Hart Murmurs: Seinfeld on campus?

Anyone hoping to pursue a career in comedy would do well to study the many comic gold mines that dot GW’s landscape. From the abundance of cell phones to the abundance of people from New York and New Jersey to the abundance of accessorizing, GW is a comic gold mine!

In fact, the administration recently voted to open a new comedy club on the fifth floor of the Marvin Center completely devoted to the handful of topics making GW unique. Finally, I can fulfill my dream and become the Jewish Jerry Seinfeld. Here’s how I picture it:

“Hello GW! (Crowd cheers uproariously). I just flew in from City Hall, and, boy, are my arms tired. (Crowd cheers uproariously). Anyway, I’m here because I’ve made a series of funny observations about this school, and I’d like to share them with you. First of all, has anyone noticed that a lot of people carry and talk on cell phones here? (A chorus of “yeah!” and “I hear that!”) I mean, what’s the deal with that? Exactly who are these people talking to? I’d really like to know! And has anyone noticed how small these phones are? It’s nuts!

“And how about these people from New York and New Jersey? Does anybody see these people walking around, saying ‘water’ or ‘Long Island’ differently than the other students? I mean, where did all these people come from? It’s not like we’re actually in New York or New Jersey, but there are so many people from those two states that sometimes it seems like we are! (Crowd is rolling in the aisles, clutching its collective gut). Don’t get me started on these New Jersey people. You ask them where they’re from, and they tell you the number of a highway exit. What kind of answer is that? Man, oh man.

“And let’s not even talk about the administration at this school. ‘Something happens here?’ Yeah, I’ll tell you what happens here – overpricing! (Man in front row has heart attack caused by heaving gasps of laughter). If you use the bathroom in Funger Hall they’ll charge you a dollar. And what’s with these printing fees? Is paper really that expensive? Would somebody please tell me? I mean seriously, Bill Gates sent his kids here, and he had to take out a loan. Work with me, people! I’m going crazy with these prices!

“And folks, the food at J Street is, well, can you even call it food? (Crowd begins to chant “Hart for President”) It takes me 45 minutes to get a coffee at Starbucks. I once asked for fries at Burger King and got slapped in the face.

“And last but not least, what is with the fashion trends at this place? Have you ever seen so much Kate Spade in your life? You’d think some of these people care more about accessories than their education – and you’d be right! But seriously folks, I love everyone at GW.”

-The writer, a sophomore majoring in history, is a Hatchet columnist.

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