Hey fellas, if your girl wants to get buck wild, then go back and hit her up style.
Thursday is Valentine’s Day and rather than bore you with my take on the holiday (see the Feb.12, 2001 Hatchet), I’ve decided to offer a little practical advice to the lucky ones who have a Valentine, but are still unsure what to buy their date. The answer: don’t buy her anything. But if you are weary of delving through The Hatchet’s archives let me frame what Valentine’s Day is all about: moods. We at The Hatchet know because we spent last Valentine’s Day putting out a paper.
There is no better way to set the mood than a nice custom-made CD mix for your sweetie to commemorate such a magnificent occasion. Not only does a CD demonstrate a bundle of thought, it also serves ulterior motives – ones that might not be so obvious.
Of course not all Valentine’s Day scenarios are homogeneous. But everybody has a blunt message that they want to tell their Valentine. Unfortunately, with all the Hallmark traditions it never appears to be the right day to do so. That’s why music can offer the perfect message. After all, commercial musicians have millions of dollars, so although they might try and tell you that “money can’t buy (you) love,” the Recording Industry Association of America has already spent money patenting the lyrics to any uncorny love song.
Well to hell with RIAA. Let’s take a trip down Morpheus lane and create some CDs for all tastes and scenarios. Mood music is not a system – it’s a science. And if you’re good enough to get an ‘C’ in Baby Chemistry, you might just have the skills it takes to master a different kind of chemistry.
Scenario: The Traditional Romance Mix
Tableau: You want a traditional Valentine’s Day experience without the whips and chains – and maybe a happy ending.
1. Police “Roxanne”
Reason: Start off by establishing the ground rules – “I won’t share you with another boy.” Translation: she screws around on you, she’s toast.
2. Sade “By Your Side”
Reason: It was good enough to turn Samantha from a slut to a girlfriend on “Sex in The City.” You have slightly better odds.
3. Leann Rimes “Can’t Fight the Moonlight”
Reason: The fact you chose a song from Coyote Ugly makes you appear to have a sensitive side. By the time the CD’s done, you’ll be fighting the sunlight – the next morning.
4. Enrique Iglesias “Hero”
Reason: Every CD needs a little Latin flavor. Unfortunately, Ricky Martin falls into another category – so Enrique gets the spot by default (because Mark Anthony has no new songs).
5. Ja Rule (f. Ashanti) “Always on Time”
Reason: Billboard scored it number one, and Ashanti is Ja Rule’s second hottest duet partner. Except, she’s slightly more real than J. Lo. But this song lets her know that all a guy wants is a girl who is on time and that you can deal with a little less primping on her part.
6. Oasis “Don’t Go Away”
Reasons: “Damn my situation and the games I have to play.” Telling her like it is, we guys just do not like mind games.
7. Shakira “Wherever, Whenever”
Reasons: “My Breasts are small and humble, so you don’t confuse them with mountains.” Yes, those are lyrics from Mexico’s finest – and it has earned her a spot on the CD.
8. U2 “Where the Streets have No Name”
Reasons: Timeless, locationless and sheer brilliance. Just listening to Bono’s voice is enough to get most people hot and bothered.
9. Elton John “Your Song”
Reasons: Hey you’re a college student and you don’t have a lot of money – but if you did, you’d probably be going to a concert instead of making a CD
10. Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis “Cruising Together”
Reasons: Believe it or not, Gwyneth can sing – and Huey Lewis may have disappeared chasing her, the way Shallow Hal did after two weeks in theaters.
11. Bon Jovi “Lay Your Hands on Me”
Reasons: All right, you’ve milked this one, you’ve taken it slow and now you’re just ready to hear her sing “Whoaoohwhooohwho, Lay Your Hands on Me.” You’ve earned it.
Scenario: The Cut to the Chase, I Want to Ride Mix
Tableau: Not much for whining and dining? Just say it bluntly and let her know what you really, really want.
1. Notorious BIG “Fuck you Tonight”
Reason: There is no blunter song – no clearer way of telling her what you want. “You must be used to me spending and all the sweet winin’ and dinin’ – well I’m fuckin’ you tonight.” I hope there’s life after death.
2. Kiss “Rock and Roll all Night”
Reason: A bit more subtle than Biggie, but Dirk Diggler coined the phrase, “I’m gonna keep Rockin’ and Rollin.'” Gene Simmons wasn’t talking about music.
3. Color Me Badd “I Want to Sex You Up”
Reason: They rose to the occasion; they came, they went. Just like Valentine’s Day is supposed to be.
4. Barenaked Ladies “Brian Wilson”
Reason: Confused? Let’s put it this way, Brian Wilson spent years in bed in a drunken slumber – not too much time for romance, but a lot of time for action.
5. SirMixAlot “I Want to Ride”
Reason: It’s rather obscure, but the name says it all.
6. Sin With Sebastian “Shut Up and Sleep With Me”
Reason: It’s a buried German treasure – maybe that’s why the song makes no sense. But who cares?
7. Akinelye “Put in My Mouth”
Reason: Back in high school this song was the latest craze – a little “swallowin’ and gogglin'” will bring back memories.
8. Ricky Martin “She Bangs”
Reason: It just sounds dirty.
9. Craig David “Seven Days”
Reason: He scored in just three days – and all he did was take the girl out for drinks. Even fraternity guys can handle that.
10. Dave Matthews Band “Say Goodbye”
Reason: Translation: May I use you for sex today and then tomorrow throw your ass back on the street?
Scenario: The Surprise Honey, I’m Gay Mix
Tableau: They say Valentine’s Day is about surprises – well there’s no better way to surprise your Valentine than by telling her you’re gay.
1. Village People “Macho Man”
Reason: Unless you’re completely clueless, you know this is not a song about masculine strength (not that gay people can’t be macho).
2. Village People “YMCA”
Reason: Another song about young men – a definite no-no.
3. Ricky Martin “She’s All I Ever Had”
Reason: How Ricky went from a testosterone boosted “She Bangs” and “La Vida Loca” to this is beyond me – only include this song if you’re ending it all.
4. Michael Bolton “When a Man Loves a Woman”
Reason: Three words: it’s Michael Bolton.
5. Right Said Fred “I’m too Sexy”
Reason: Models, Catwalks and shaved heads – only appealing if you’re a male fashion designer.
6. Madonna “Material Girl”
Reason: Now that you’ve told her your secret, at least take advantage of the opportunity and start to criticize her – she’ll probably take it a lot better.
7. Britney Spears “I’m not a girl, not yet a Women”
Reason: Sounds like a “Jerry Springer” episode to me – it will make letting her down a little easier.
8. Barbra Streisand “Funny Girl”
Reason: I don’t think I’ve heard the song – but it was Kevin Kline’s vice in In and Out.
Scenario: The Don’t Kick Yourself on the Way Out the Door Mix
Tableau: You’ve tried putting it nicely – now it’s time to end it. It’s always good to sugar coat honesty with candy and a nice CD.
1. O-Town “All or Nothing”
Reason: It’s her fault she’s so distant. If she doesn’t give you what you want, then she’s hitting the road. This is your warning shot.
2. Neil Sadaka “Breakin’ up is Hard to Do”
Reason: Yeah it’s a little cold – but it’s just admitting the inevitable. Now fill the rest of the CD with killer hard rock songs (particularly Guns N’ Roses). She’ll get the hint quickly.
Scenario: The Southern Comfort Mix
Tableau: Maybe you’re just spending the night alone – or keeping a little bottle to help you pass the night. But with the right music, it does not have to be that bad.
1. The Divinyls “I Touch Myself”
Reason: Only as a last resort. There maybe tons of people out there just as lonely as you, and they’re plan A. But a little southern comfort is Plan B.
2. John Mayer, “Long Song for No One”
Reason: Mayer may be an unknown, but he certainly will help you romance yourself.
3. Britney Spears “I’m a Slave”
Reason: Maybe the song sucks – but there’s always that picture of Britney wearing next to nothing. Think happy thoughts.
4. Bon Jovi “It’s My Life”
Reason: This ain’t a song for the broken hearted – just be happy you don’t have to work the diner and docks like Tommy and Tina.
5. Alice Deejay “Better Off Alone”
Reason: This one made the rounds on the club seen – and kept going around and around and around, four years later.
6. Fiona Apple “Paper Bag”
Reason: It may sound like a nice SoCo cover, but alas this song is about day dreaming – something you need on a lonely Valentine’s Day.
7. Gloria Gaynor “I Will Survive”
Reason: Sure you might be hungover in the morning, but you’ll get over it.
This Valentine’s Day may seem like a failure, but don’t fret – these song lists are timeless and will suffice at just about any point during the year.
But now you have some skills.
You might think it’s unappealing to brag about your computer software or hardware (or floppy drive as the case may be). But before you whip it out (your next cheesy pick up line, that is) consider this: “Hey baby, I have a CD burner.”