During the Cold War, the ultimate symbol of the edgy relationship between the United States and the Soviet Union was the red phone located in the Oval Office of the White House. It guaranteed that before a nuclear war the country’s two leaders could try to talk out their differences, much like a married couple on the brink of a divorce – except this particular divorce would leave the world in ruins.

The Cold War is over, and instead of the Red Menace we now face a flagless band of fanatics who possess technology that is hard to come by in the third-world nations where they dwell. Communicating by phone would incur a major risk of being found, but Osama Bin Laden is a modern kind of guy and, like every college student, he knows what AOL Instant Messenger is. As the AOL ads put it, its a cool way to communicate!

My sources at Lafayette Park tell me that President George W. Bush and bin Laden have been secretly chatting to each other online, and I managed to obtain a transcript from a recent conversation.

InfiniteJustice: where are u?

EvilDoer911: Don’t think I’ll fall for that one so easily, Bush. I’m at an “undisclosed location,” just like your vice president. I’ll give you a hint – the country ends in “an.”

InfiniteJustice: lol . You may be the evil 1, but you’ve got a sense of humor in ya.

EvilDoer911: Infidel! Don’t patronize me with your everyman charm, Bush.

Infinite Justice: So what r u up 2 tonight?

EvilDoer911: What the hell does that have to do with anything? You’re skirting around the subject here. I wanted to talk about America’s tyrannical role in the Middle East and you’re talking like a schoolgirl (that’s a recently formed expression around here).

EvilDoer911: Are you there? Hello?

InfiniteJustice: Sorry, I just choked on a pretzel and needed a little medical attention. Anyway, I just thought maybe you could fly over here, we could catch a ballgame, see the sights you tried to blow up and really talk things over.

EvilDoer911: Bush, I am the most wanted man in the world. I have already been disgraced by your country’s vile T-shirts insulting my mother and have been displayed on toilet paper, urinal cakes and the like. But this is the worst insult of all, to think you can lure me with promises of a ballgame. The only thing that would make me reconsider is if you somehow resurrected Enron – I had a lot of dough invested in that baby.

InfiniteJustice: Now there’s something I may be able to take care of for u.

EvilDoer911: Hold on, Mullah Omar wants to talk to you.

EvilDoer911: Bush, this is Omar. I just wanted to say that I only have one eye, but even I can see that you’re the dumbest president ever! Hahahahaha! Oh, and check out my buddy icon. It’s one of those pictures where you look like a monkey. OK, I’m out – I’m handing it back over to Osama.

InfiniteJustice: All I have to say is that the American people can triumph over American challenges with American resolve – and we will!

EvilDoer911: Now you’re just misquoting your own speech – by the way, that commercial is the most annoying thing I’ve seen since the raping of Saudi Arabia.

Infinite Justice: You suck, bin Laden

EvilDoer911: You’ll never catch me, infidel!

Auto Response from Infinite Justice: Bin Laden sucks!

Evildoer911: Damn you, Bush! You’ll burn in hell for this!

-The writer, a sophomore majoring in history, is a Hatchet humor columnist.