Column: Bar will raise spirits in Kogan Plaza

In order to spice up GW’s campus for next fall, I have a few recommendations to include in the campus plan. Perhaps with these changes, the plan will be acceptable to the D.C. Board of Zoning Adjustment.

First, I want to do something constructive with the patio space next to the dome thing in Kogan Plaza. This place is covered and provides ample shade in the noonday sun. The only time anyone is out there is when the weather is nice or they’re peeing in the bushes at 3 a.m. – not that I have done that. So why doesn’t GW do something constructive with that space, rather than tease prospective students with it as a space for Au Bon Pain vendors to come sell their wares out of a cart? I say, and I have discussed this with various cohorts and high-ranking administrators, that GW should build a tiki bar right there next to Kogan, and open it when the temperature reaches 70 degrees.

Now before you underclassmen imagine semesters upon semesters of drunken pleasure next to the tempietto – that is what SJT calls it – there have to be a few regulations for this campus development to be taken seriously. Primarily, you need to swipe your GWorld card to get into the tiki bar. I figure that since your GWorld can monitor everything else about you, it ought to be able to know if you are 21 or not.

Again, underclassmen do not wet yourselves in anticipation, because we developers of this idea do know about the GWorld “pass-backs.” How do you think I got into the Smith Center all sophomore year? The Tiki Bar Advancement Team (T-BAT) has covered all of the bases in order for the bar to be legitimate. If you successfully execute the GWorld pass-back to get into the tiki bar, then you will have trouble purchasing a drink because all licenses and GWorlds must be presented at the bar to purchase a drink. If you attempt to and the IDs do not match, then University Police can beat the living crap out of you with their bike helmets. Purchasing a drink is easy after that, but not as easy as you may think. Points will not be taken because there are no taxes on meal plans, and Debit Dollars will not be taken either – only cash. Again, legitimacy of this bar is of top priority, and I sincerely doubt that the University is going to allow a GWorld service to provide you with alcohol.

Now some might say, “Isn’t this whole thing provided by the GWorld service?” To them, I say, “No.” I say this because GWorld is not providing anything but entry into the place. The University would be providing a safe environment for of-age students to have a drink. Without this tiki bar, I could be sent out into the surrounding community and God only knows what could happen. I could get drunk and fall down and smash my face or sprain my ankle. I can do all of that in the Smith Center, and my GWorld gets me in there. So why not a tiki bar? Beer and mixed drinks will be served in plastic cups so no one drops a glass, gets cut, bleeds all over their flip-flops and has to go to Student Health for the little blue pill.

The tiki bar would only take cash, have computers checking ID and never serve bottles. Building the bar would show administrators’ commitment to making these the best four to seven years of our lives. The logistics are simple, and we can probably get this thing running before any one could even whisper “Health and Wellness Center.”

Oh yeah, my second idea concerns New Hall. I say screw it and just name it Dave Smith’s Brew House. Who’s house? BREW-house!

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