GW has once again ignored the valid concerns of its neighbors. We know we are senile old farts who bitch about loud music and moan about the University building a brand new hospital we secretly hope to use. We know we complain about every little thing in what has become a vicious house-to-house war of words between us and the K Street lawyers hired by GW President Stealing Jiant Tractsofland. We are done complaining. We are done filing suits in court. We are done opposing the campus plan before the Brain-dead Zombie Authority.
We hereby announce our terrorist campaign to free Smoggy Bowels of the scourge of GW expansion. We have hired Suck Ass extremists – those same students who brought you Alice Pointingfingers and Squash Rothtool duking it out before Chief Judge Just Throwmeback and the Kangaroo Court – to sabotage construction projects with oversized posters and under-priced pizzas. We will use any means at our disposal, including throwing giant keg parties for construction workers at the Drunk Tasteless and Diseased frat house.
And our reign of terror will expand beyond construction sites. We plan to kidnap the poorly trained sloths that sort and deliver campus mail ensuring no one receives their special-order dildos or issues of Playpen Magazine featuring the “JAPs of GW: Sorority Skanks Shimmy Out of Their Black Pants and Clunky Shoes to Show You Ways to Use Cell Phones You Never Imagined.” We will buy the best housing lottery numbers at Marty Goes Trust Fund Shopping sponsored by the Reallyuseless Helplesstools Association and the Countless Lies and Lunatics Center. We will halt maid service in Thrustin’ Hall, ensuring the spread of a new class of sexually transmitted disease. In short, we will make your lives as miserable as you have made ours.
Our demands are simple: go away. Take your multi-billion dollar plans and shove ’em right up your collective ass. Tear down the death trap called Fuckedup Hall. Get rid of the Hopingit Willopen Center. And rebuild the kind of matchbox, crackerjack shotgun townhouses we love so much.
-Smelly Bitcher
Foggy Bottom whiner
