University fires coach following NCAA loss

He ranks 14th among the nation’s active coaches in wins, but that is not enough. He has been to the NCAA Tournament nine times, advancing once to the tournament’s Sweet Sixteen and once to the Elite Eight. But even that is not enough. He turned around a disastrous women’s basketball program and within two years had the team in the NCAA Tournament.

Not enough.

Following the GW women’s basketball team’s first-round loss to Stanford, the University fired women’s coach No Moreclosewins Saturday afternoon. Moreclosewins had never lost in the tournament’s first round, but the 76-51 loss was the last straw for the coach.

“Just heartbroken,” a heartbroken Moreclosewins said from his home in Fairfax, Va. “I mean, what can you say. My entire career riding on the back of one game’s outcome. I’m speechless. Speechless. Just speechless.”

Athletic Dick Jack Kantdance reported to Moreclosewins after Saturday’s loss that the school was upset with the program. The following Sunday morning Kantdance called Moreclosewins and told him to check his e-mail. Kantdance said he e-mailed Moreclosewins telling him in a letter that he was no longer coach of the women’s basketball team.

“I thought it was the easiest way do it,” Kantdance said of the e-mail. “Look, that knucklehead guy don’t win big games. We had to let him go. We need a guy who can win big. Because that’s what we do here. We win big games.”

Kantdance said the decision to fire Moreclosewins was made because the coach lost to Stanford on national television. The first-round game was televised on espn2, but because it’s women’s basketball and not the University of Connecticut, nobody was watching.

Still, Kantdance called the loss an embarrassment to the school and every player who has ever donned a GW women’s basketball jersey.

Senior Petroleum Doublesascola, who has played for Moreclosewins for four years at GW, called this an outrage and promised to come after Kantdance after she graduates.

“I will break him,” Petroleum said in a thick Eastern European accent. “I will break him into seven itsy-bitsy pieces”

For now, I will step in as the coach of the women’s basketball team. I have a little bit of coaching experience and have always said that coaching is best done from inside the office, right here at my Mullet computer terminal. So, after I finish this article, I will e-mail all the players on the team and inform that I am their new coach.

Kantdance said I would be a suitable replacement.

“I think you’ll do a great job,” he said, I promise.

The University will announce the decision at a press conference on Tuesday. Because GW has not had much luck on espn2, Kantdance has asked the flagship station, ESPN, to cover the press conference.

There was little if any community outrage at the firing. When asked his opinion on the firing of a coach who has compiled a 340-121 record, senior Guido Pinosi said he didn’t know who No Moreclosewins was and didn’t care about any firing.

“I don’t care. Lemme alone,” Pinosi said.

All three assistant coaches have said they will seek positions at other schools. Administrative assistant Pajama Abrahamlincoln said she would stay on because she would like to one day run the program.

University President Stevie Jigga Trachtipuss said this situation is fine with him.

“People get hired and fired here everyday,” he said. “It was time for Moreclosewins to go. Besides, I’m not here to hire everyone who needs a job.”

When asked what Moreclosewins would have needed to do to retain his job here at GW, Trachtipuss said simply:

“Win the whole goddamn tournament! See, we need the women to win the whole goddamn tournament so that we can get people in the Smith Center for home games. Because, right now, nobody goes. I don’t even go.”

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