On Friday, an expectant crowd packed itself tightly into the rear of local bathhouse, The Sweaty Bottom, to witness the first-ever performance of The Penis Monologues by one of the bathhouse’s members.

The Mullet was there, ready and waiting, to handle this member.

Meanwhile, in a local church, the cast of The Vagina Monologues twitched with anticipation, but was paid no attention by The Mullet.

“I was practically giving that Vagina away to my writers,” said a Mullet arts editor, “but not one of them mofos would touch it. There was something real fishy about the whole thing.”

In contrast, Penis received almost too much attention. The audience was packed so tightly that some viewers were forced to climb onto the backs of others, who voiced their discontent by making their “oh” face.

As the lights dimmed, the member walked on stage. He stood, fully erect, and spewed forth a hot, steamy assault of bittersweet monologue onto the crowd. The audience was overcome.

The cast of The Vagina Monologues, however, wasn`t nearly so satisfied.

“We received absolutely no gratification,” said one pink-faced member. “We supported the Penis during its entire rise, and after it shot off, I thought we’d get some too, but instead we were left dry and itching to be handled by The Mullet.”

But The Mullet had other things on its mind, the unflappable Penis was making waves at the office, no one could seem to get enough.

“We literally had our hands full,” Mullet Editor in Chief Dick’s Morfun said. “We would have handled Vagina, but Penis was so big that we were exhausted, all we wanted to was have a cigarette and go to sleep.

“I know that the Vagina ladies wanted some attention,” he continued, “but sometimes, Penis just has to come first.”

All proceeds from The Penis Monologues will be rush delivered to the Arlington, Virginia sperm bank, CryoGlue. The bank’s director, Dr. Savior Cummings. described his staff as “elated, they can’t wait to receive such a large donation. These virile young DC natives have big hearts, and some even bigger organs. They’ve truly risen to the challenge .”

But The Vagina Monolgoues’s cast was critical of the members charity. “Those boys are always saying `give give give,’ but for some reason, we never get any,” said Wanda Succa, an actress, “I suggest we take a more hands-on approach to Penis, and help each other achieve our true potential. The way it is now, the whole effort is sort of an anticlimax for the Vagina.”