University Police arrested Osama bin Laden, the FBI’s most wanted fugitive, Friday after discovering the criminal had been living in Aston Hall for the past nine months under the alias “Miss Olga.”
The University Bureau of Investigation pinpointed bin Laden’s hideout in The Aston after noticing $72,583 worth of phone calls to Kabul, Afghanistan, Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and Nairobi, Kenya, made by the international terrorist using a University phone code.
“We had suspicions (bin Laden) was operating out of The Aston,” said Manford McMullet, director of the University’s Pathetic Department. “But I stay the fuck away from that place. I’ve got little mullets at home to take care of.”
McMullet said bin Laden is currently being detained in Essentials Market in Bitchell Hall, due to a lack of any actual police facilities on campus.
“I ain’t done know no man gonna be in on my job while I be trying to officiate and communicate the way I operate,” one Essentials employee said.
McMullet said her suspicions over bin Laden’s whereabouts grew when a large blast of C4 blew up the building’s fourth and fifth floors last September. UPD immediately responded to the blast by installing a permanent card reader in the hall’s lobby.
After the blast, UPD printed special “extra serious” disciplinary forms to prepare for a raid on the building and search for the terrorist, McMullet said. But the Pathetic Department was ordered to “stay the hell out” by University President Stilla Jew Throughsinsabsurd, who immediately turned the building’s two destroyed floors into the Shit-Done-Blowed-Up Living and Learning Community and charged the building’s residents a voluntary “some-guys-are-coming-to-break-your-legs-if-you-don’t-pay-us” fee.
Bin Laden was also under UPD surveillance for possession of incense and illegal use of halogen lights.
Tara Wolfin’-it-Down, community dick for The Aston, Fulbright, Strong and most of the homeless section of L street, said bin Laden was regarded as a regular resident of the building, although, unlike many residents of the Swamp Ass neighborhood, he had more contempt for the “imperialistic, Zionistic, heartless pig-dogs of American neo-tyrannical politics” than he did for GW. When contacted for comment, President of the Swamp Ass Association Mick “Stick in the Mud” Bottomass said he failed to see the difference.
Bin Laden refused to comment, saying he had been misquoted in The Mullet before.
Residents of The Aston said they were surprised by the arrest.
“He was always asking to borrow my towels,” said sophomore Brandy Svening, who lived near bin Laden. “He said he’s had some trouble with the government, but I just assumed his FAFSA form was denied because of his race. He’s brown, you know.”
Others said they had become close with bin Laden, or DJ Mujahid, as he was known among friends.
“Yeah, we burned a few spoons in his room on the weekends,” junior Rick Derris said. “He had this business proposal to sell bags of `baking powder’ to freshman. My business professor invited him into class to develop an elementary-schoolyard approach for the business. Seemed like a good idea at the time.”
Bin Laden was also the leader of GW’s secret terrorist organization, the Order of the Al-Qaeda, whose only activities to date have been bi-monthly viewings of the movie The Skulls and a “Breakfast with Mustafa Claus” held each December at the Universally-pathetic Club.
McMullet said the arrest at The Aston, which has survived robberies, break-ins, fires, gas leaks, masturbating monkeys, a resurgence of the Black Plaugue, a small band of gypsies and brief colonization by roaming Dutch settlers seeking freedom of religion, should quell complaints that UPD just doesn’t care about the residence hall.
“Those cock and balls at the FBI couldn’t do it, but we could,” she
said. “I don’t care who you think you are, you’re standing on the tracks and Manford McMullet is coming through.”