Students still sloshed

Weeks after the change from Coca-Cola to Budweiser in all campus drink machines, students are still feeling the buzz.

“Err . what u askin’ me?” a junior who could not remember his name said. “I’m so drunk. Man isn’t that J Street worker HOT! She can take my order!”

The switch to Budweiser from Coca-Cola occurred last month. Budweiser, supplied from the Anheuser-Busch Inc. bottling company offered to supply Budweiser at 50 cents a cup, a lower cost to the University than Coca-Cola’s current price of $15 a cup. Anheuser-Busch also agreed to put kegs in all of the residence halls, the 24-hour study lounge in the library and by each blue light station for convenience.

Along with Budweiser and Bud Light, the bottling company supplies Sam Adams, Natty Light and Corona beers. Similar to its predecessors, Budweiser does not offer free refills, but with such low prices students do not seem to mind.

“Fuck, for 50 cents a cup I’ll buy everyone . ah shit, I gotta pee,” freshman Doug Wizsalot said. “I’ll be right back. Gotta go tap my keg.”

GW President Stillbrings Just Thehalfassednerds made the decision to accept Anheuser-Busch’s bid to be the campus beverage after the company agreed to donate $500 million to The Thehalfassednerds Shrine to be located across from the Useless Police Department where the old Sellingouthowabout You house once stood on Gang Street. All other construction on campus will cease until The shrine of SJT doing a keg stand is complete.

“I am a peoples’ president,” SJT said. “Students said they wanted beer and they got it. No one can ever say this administration does not listen to students wants and concerns.

“I make a shit load of money on this deal, SJT continued to say off the record. I get a shrine and I look like a saint to the students. Ha-ha, I’m so all-powerful and mighty. Screw what the parents will say, we already got their money. Let’s see what our ranking is now! Ho, ho, ho, I love this job. I’m the king of the city! You better not print this.”

Anheuser-Busch will also sponsor its Budweiser University courses on GW’s campus. Budweiser University, which offers distance learning classes to mostly southern men with a father they uncle, will coordinate a three-course series focusing on the concepts of make, taste and tend.

Students say they are glad the University finally listened to one of the Stunnedinthe Ass resolutions and got alcohol on campus.

“This school – burp – is fuckin’ awesome. Georgetown gots nothing on us,” one student said, mistaking a picture Samuel Adams for this reporter.

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.