We here at The Mullet want to raise awareness. GW students, those lazy, apathetic wretches who only seem to get their panties in a twist when the line at Einstein Bros. is too long or someone gets a better deal on pizza from Papa John’s, are famous for … OK, we recognize that GW is not really famous for anything except failing to make the NCAA Tournament or getting their tits in a wringer in the first round, but we digress. In our on-going effort to improve student life – and you thought all we did was sit in our Ivory Townhouse and bitch – we propose the Annual Peter Kongolewskerinksy Awareness Awards for Excellence in Being Aware.
Many of the wonks who prowl the fourth floor of the Kletus Klump Marvin Center – known as pergatory to common GW students who cannot spell – are vying for the award in an unseemly competition that typifies the contests these miscreants and apostates perennially devise to satisfy their Machiavellian raison d’?tre. (If you are having trouble following this, pick up a fucking thesaurus. We are tired of tailoring our opinions to the morons on the “special admit” list whose daddies slept with certain key University administrators with a fondness for hippopotami.)
No one is trying to be more aware than Stiff Whiner, executive high-backed chair of the Pottering Bozos who earlier this year spent thousands of student dollars not bringing big-name acts to the University. Unfortunately for Whiner, he appears completely unaware of the vicious vituperations of Mullet editors. Of course, maybe if we had sent that hate mail … nah, go ahead and cross him off the list.
The insider favorite is, and should be, former Suck Ass presidential candidate Jefe Moretootin’. With a network of cronies and moles swelling the ranks of the Disorder of the Hippo – an organization that keeps its secrets about as well as the FBI – and burrowing deep in the bowels of key student organizations, Moretootin’ is, in the words of Shaft, about as aware as a motherfucker can get.
But alas, this man who makes Russel Crowe look like “The Outsider,” will have to take a backseat to this year’s winner in the category of Supreme Awareness. No one is more qualified than freshman Eclaire Fidelberg, whose Supreme Awareness was responsible for her being hospitalized when struck by a car near Thrustin’ Hall in September. Her prize? A semi-private room at The GW Hospital with frequent guest Vice President Dick Cheney. The Veep in a hospital gown – now that’s a GW experience.
