GW has the fortune of hosting many famous figures on campus, from presidents to midget wrestlers (boy, they’re loads of fun, aren’t they, just say it with me, “midget wrestlers.” OK back to this shitty story my editors were too lazy to assign to someone else).
But for the past seven years, the GW community has embraced a celebrity of another kind – one of America’s Most Wanted, Antonio Freeman. The Mullet had the chance to interview the recently captured GW icon and he shared some anecdotes about his time with hot students, easy cops and more notorious campus fixtures.
Mullet: How’s jail?
AF: Can’t complain too much, I guess. I get good lovin’ daily whether I ask for it or not, and the boys pass me around quite a bit. I have nice a nice ass, that helps. The food’s decent. It sure beats the same damn ABP sandwich and Coney Island milkshake I had hangin’ in 2000 Penn.
Mullet: What do you miss about GW?
AF: The chicks. Of course, those GW brats are too old for my taste – I prefer a much younger breed. Puberty is just so unattractive, don’t you think? But I enjoyed frightening the GW girls with my cups of change. Those bitches sure are scared of homeless folk, I’d just like to see their faces if I told them my real story, if you know what I mean.
Mullet: Antonio, please stop gyrating, it’s making me uncomfortable.
AF: Sorry, I’ll behave. Say, you got any younger sisters?
Mullet: I’ll send you pictures later, but the interview first. Now, you were nabbed by University Police at least once before getting busted. How did they treat you?
AF: Oh man, those cats were gravy to me. They said they weren’t sure what the hell real cops do when something serious happens but were tired of calling Metro Police for help. I think the security guard for that School Without Walls was busy or something, cuz they couldn’t reach him either. Anyway, they asked my name and I told him I was the nameless Teletubbie that hasn’t debuted on American TV yet and they said everything was cool, just don’t assault any more GW students in front of them again.
Mullet: Any other experiences with UPD worth noting?
AF: They tried to beat me up once calling me “dirty bum,” but they stopped when I told him I was a fugitive. They just apologized and picked on someone else.
Mullet: Are there any other fugitives on GW’s campus we should know about?
AF: Actually, there are quite a few slick cats right under your noses. There’s a real fat dude that hangs there, we call him “Biggie.” He’s wanted on cannibalism charges in Mexico. Guess his definition of authentic Mexican food was a little different than theirs. Oh, and another cat we used to call “Slippery Noodle” hangs out there, I believe. He’s wanted in Butts, Georgia, for talking a man’s head right off. I guess that’s murder in hickville. And one other real cool cat we call “Nushe-dog” sets up shop over there. That man is bad, he’s wanted in 11 countries, including Jamaica, for drug smuggling. He’s definitely a most wanted somewhere. Thing is, they’ve never found his stash. Man must have one hell of a sneaky way to sell that shit.
Mullet: Anything you want to tell your admirers back home?
AF: If anyone’s interested in pornographic Beanie Babies, they should visit my Web site, www.dccopsaresuckers.com. I’ll hook you up.