Reports from the news wire indicated major shakeups will take place on the GW men’s basketball bus next season. Administrative assistant James McGovern said he will appeal to the Athletic Department to move his seat from the fourth row, aisle seat to the fourth row, window position.

“I think moving to a window position will enable me see more good looking women at red lights,” he said. “I’m sick and tired of people joking that I can’t get a date. I can, damnit.”

GW’s Russian Godfather Guennadi Bratichko apparently told sources that he demanded a seat closer to the bathroom. GW Sports Misinformation officials could not confirm this report.

This is the latest controversy to hit GW athletics. Last week, GW swimmers were unable to use the pool facilities when older women from the local St. Mary’s Court came to play a friendly contest of Marco Polo.

Days earlier, the first racquetball court was closed once again, this time in preparation for a press conference for GW’s ultimate Frisbee team.

This, however, was nothing compared to the incident which occurred at 12:22 p.m. Saturday afternoon. “Jack,” otherwise known as some head honcho in the Athletic Department, did not have his GWorld card and was not granted access into the Smith Center. When he tried to sneak in with the help of his friend “Tony,” security led by “Aubre” escorted them out onto 22nd Street. “Jack,” still otherwise known as some head honcho in the Athletic Department said to hell with the Smith. “Jack” proceeded down the street to his friend “Leo’s” place, where he purchased a couple “cigars.”

-Abigail Schwartzman