Hishardcock screws Kandidates

Newly elected Sucking Asslotion Chieftain Rogering Kandidates formed his Kitchen Cabinet Monday by naming Pedro from Papa John’s as his double secret advisor.

“Pedro’s always been a close friend of mine, always willing to lend a hand whenever I needed a bullshit receipt for silly campaign finance stuff,” Kandidates said.

But other members of the SA community were not as happy with Kandidates’ choice, calling it another case of politics as usual.

“No one jerks Hishardcock around,” said Jackin Hishardcock, supreme commander of the Joint Enticement Congregation. “Rogering needs one less dick around here.”

But Kandidates was not so happy with Hishardcock’s load.

“Jeez, we order 10 or 5 or whatever amount of pizzas, and all of the sudden Hishardcock is tossing me the cold beef surprise,” he said. “That shit’s supposed to stay on the pizza, not in the Sucking Asslotion.”

He further called for the formation of a new JEC.

“It’s time for Hishardcock to bust a nut or stand down,” he said.

Kandidates also announced a new long-term contract with Papa John’s to cream Dominos, whose assets have been sucked to shreds by members of opposing campaigns.

“This will make the agreement with Big Papa John’s more likely to
suck seed,” Kandidates said. “I mean, hey, nothing on this campus sucks more than the Sucking Asslotion.”

Promising to improve communication, Kandidates stressed one more element of his campaign – less sucking up to the administration.

“You will never see or hear a dick coming out of Rogering’s mouth,” he pledged.

Meanwhile, other candidates felt that Pedro’s recruitment was a little under the table.

“It was bad enough when Hishardcock screwed us up the ass,” said Donny Licker, who lost an election battle earlier this month. “Now we have Pedro who’s going to be twice as hard.”

In the mean time, Licker announced a new constitutional amendment designed to end the Sucking Asslotion the way we know it. And he formally kicked off the campaign for next year.

“Fuck the Hippodrome – we’re gunning for a strip club in the fifth floor of the Marvin Center,” he said. “But I don’t want to shoot my entire wad to The Mullet.”

But Bitch Saymyname, who also lost to Kandidates in the election, said he felt the University could benefit from a strip club on the fifth floor.

“I would have to say the more titties the Sucking Asslotion sees, the less problems we’ll have,” he said.

But Kandidates said he feared the negative stigma the new strip club may bring.

“I mean hey, just cut to the chase. Cants we all just get along?” he said. “I mean, forget the pie in the face, we can all whip it out and have one big circle jerk in the Hippodrome and I promise that if I’ll lose – I’ll suck that cookie up.”

But feminist women in the Sucking Asslotion such as Executive Poopyhead Canyou Rigit resented the notion of strippers up in the Marvin Center.

“You know the champagne room should stay in the University Club – or at least in President Tremendousbutt’s office,” she said. Other correspondence between The Mullet and Rigit was confiscated by Rigit’s You-Incompetent-Fucks-Will-Misquote-Me-No-Matter-What anti-media task force. The task force is funded by the Programsomething I’m Bored’s leftover funds for this year, since the Bored’s only event has been a performance by the Pizza Italia Mariachi band, who performed in Executive Chair Some Wiener’s bathroom earlier this semester.

But the Big Guy Upstairs felt that the Sucking Asslotion had no right to undermine the University’s right to copulate to food service company Hairycock.

“We want to get head – err … I mean get ahead into the Top 50 rankings,” the Big Guy said. “All they’re doing now is just deep throating resources.”

Meanwhile members of the Student Court considered motions to nullify Kandidates’ victory following his use of the spoils system.

“We’re not really going to cancel the results, but at least we can get Kandidates to roll naked in the snow or something like that, or even prevent him from using that stupid fake voice of his,” said Chief Judge Rodeherback. The Court may try to bridge the gap between the SA and the JEC.

“Maybe we’ll just get him to rubdown Hishardcock until one of them busts,” Rodherback said.

But Kandidates made light of the whole situation.

“Maybe Pedro can lend Hishardcock an extra hand – or 10 or 5,” he said.

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