March 20, 2001
Smith Center
4:20 p.m.

As I entered the Smith Center Sunday for the women’s charity basketball game against the Jamaican University Rastas, I would have to say the woman of the hour was none other than Areyou Ready, Sucking ASSociation director of colonial silliness. In a recent move to increase support for the women’s basketball team, she dreamed up “Free Joint Day,” drawing a team-record crowd of 420 people to the beneficiary game.

The off-season contest, dubbed Hoops for International Growers’ Help, or HIGH, will benefit Caribbean farmers suffering from severe prime-growing-season droughts and featured a complimentary marijuana cigarette for each fan in attendance.

But the real benefactors of the game would prove to be GW students, who kicked back, relaxed and enjoyed a good smoke. I have seen some spectacles in my day, but none matched the effect of a large group of GW students suddenly chilled out. A good blaze is all this campus needs to loosen the black pants and muss up the gelled hair until all are getting together and feeling all right.

In the midst of a simultaneous tip-off toke, I made my way down into the student section for a prime seat in the reefer madness. The members of George’s Blazed, clad in marijuana-leaf headdresses and hemp clothing, offered shotguns in the aisles. Club members stumbled to avoid a frantic Little George, who could not stop looking around and whispering, “They’re after me, they’re after me.”

The visibly baked mascot was last seen passed out on top of a half-deflated Big George, who had apparently devoured one too many Smith Center dogs.

Rolled Spliffer, legendary bullshit correspondent for THC News and Colonials fans, seemed mesmerized by the scoreboard over mid-court, laughing hysterically, elbowing me and pointing to “all the flashing lights, dude.”

After four minutes and 20 seconds of play, a contact high seemed to come over the GW team, as they simultaneously slowed their running to half speed and their shots flew wide to the right and left of the hoop. Just when it seemed the Colonials could prove no match for the dreadlocked force, GW mounted a school record comeback. GW students, however, proved just as apathetic about the 42-0 point run as they were about the Lady Colonials NCAA Tournament run this season.

At halftime, My Ganjaman-o and several other GW administrators, including Bob Dimesack and University President Still Just Tokinintheberg, led the crowd in a rousing chorus of “Everybody must get stoned,” eliciting a cry of “Hey, Bob” from Mullet editors covering the game.

SA President Done Burnt, sitting to my right, said he finally realized the reason behind SA senseless-ers lack of motivation and constant fatigue throughout the year.

Midway through the second half, the announcement came that the snack bar was completely sold out of food. Luckily, SA President-elect Ripped Kantsmokemore offered with a distinctive boisterous laugh or two to buy Papa John’s pizza after the game for everyone there.

“I tried marijuana once but I didn’t inhale,” the red-eyed president declared.

Thank God for the guys handing out Visine on the way out.