The Allen Lee, located at 2300 F Street, represents the latest attempt by administrators at Complete with Lice, Leeches and Cockroaches to provide diverse solutions for students dangling on housing waiting lists. The program, set to begin in fall 2001, allows students to occupy rooms at an hourly rate.
“The real benefits of the program will be seen by students who use drugs, employ prostitutes or are prostitutes themselves,” CLLC spokesman and Associate Lord Master of Students Paul Mitchell-Sherrill-Bowles-LyonTaylor said. “But others will also benefit.”
Most residence halls require students to pay for an entire semester’s accommodations, but this program allows students to forgo the extra expense of an entire semester’s stay by only charging them for the time spent in their rooms. So as to foil nosy parents, the charges will be inconspicuously listed on University invoices as a housing fee.
“Most parents will pay the `housing fee’ without thinking twice, allowing students the liberty to participate in any number of illicit activities,” an unnamed and since fired Community Fuck-up said. “Our goal has always been to grant students the opportunity to experiment in as many ways as possible while drastically overcharging their parents. This is just another way of achieving that goal.”
The plan has met with overwhelming support from students, many of whom said they feel constrained by their permanent living quarters.
“I wish this program was around when I was a freshman,” sophomore Pablo Escobar, Jr., said. “I had the hardest time concealing my coke habit while living in Thurston. I had six roommates, so someone was always taking my shit. It was really stressful and expensive, too. With my roomies snorting all my profits, I was never able to keep up with GW’s tuition hikes. This Allen Lee thing will alleviate some of that crunch.”
Other students emphasize that the program is not just for drug addicts.
“It’s great for the drug bunnies, but it has something to offer all students,” junior John Boink said. “I’ll use the Allen Lee to cheat on my girlfriend. She’s always sniffing around my room so it is hard to be unfaithful there. This is really perfect.”
Of course some members of the GW community will use the option more than others. Jill “Pookie” Freebase, a freshman communications major, said she would have no use for the new option.
“I live in Mitchell,” she said. “It is basically the same thing, dirty mattresses, earthy aromas and lots of hypodermic needles.”
CLLC stands behind the program, however, claiming that even though some people will not use The Allen Lee, others will compensate by using it quite often.
“Just think of that young sorority girl that is not only a prostitute but also hooked on crack,” Mitchell-Sherrill-Bowles-Lyon-Taylor said. “Those students will use the rooms both to make money to buy drugs and then to do the drugs themselves. It is a kind of one-stop shop. We really hope this thing takes off.”
