Bush pals win teaching jobs

In a plan to acclimate GW students to real-life politics and boost GW rankings, the University announced a number of new political science classes for the 2001-2002 school year.

The most high-profile of the courses lie in the new Compassionate-Conservative concentration to be taught by Bush cabinet officials. Classes in the new curriculum include “Destroying the Environment,” “Appeasing Big Donors” and “Fuzzy Math.”

“I am very proud to have the new president helping students understand his administration’s plan for the nation,” GW President So Justraise Tuition said while on the phone finishing a deal to purchase all of sub-Saharan Africa. “This curriculum, taught by such powerful leaders is another step to making GW the most powerful university in the world. Ha, ha, ha . wait don’t print that.”

“Destroying the Environment” will be taught by disgruntled Extraneous Pollution Agency head and former governor of New Jersey Crusading Towards Whiteman, who said the course will probably only be offered in the fall because Bush’s mission of destruction should be completed by Christmas.

“I will teach the students about the Bush environmental plan which
should only take about two meetings,” Whiteman said while writing a memo to the president to reconsider leveling lower-Manhattan after scientists discovering oil under the World Trade Center.

Dictator of the College Rightwingicans, who asked to be called by the pseudonym G.O.P. said, “Ha! All these liberal, pinko-commie GW students have to suck it up now, finally something goes our way.”

G.O.P. continued that the National Rifle Association and Christian Coalition will now have an office in the Marvin Center and his groups’ new mission will be to make Fox News the only channel available to students.

“Appeasing Big Donors” will be co-taught by Vice President Dick Cheney and NRA Chairman Charlton Heston. It will focus on the close relationship between money and policy.

“We have to be honest with the kids, money talks and politicians respond,” Heston said during Senate testimony calling the government “damn, dirty apes” for taking away his right to use a chemical weapons and heat-seeking missiles for hunting purposes. “We will teach students the Ten Commandments of using money for political gain, number one: Thou shalt not fuck with the NRA.”

The class will meet on the third floor of GW Hospital in the emergency heart ward to give Cheney close access to medical attention if his heart condition were to reappear. Cheney will also teach a course called “Funding Cardiovascular Research,” which requires a $200 lab fee for 10 pounds of pork products a week.

“Fuzzy Math” will be taught by none other than Bush himself, but will only meet once a week because of his busy schedule and strict 10 p.m. bed time.

“The president is very excited about the class and expressed his `desireness to educationalize the students about how to manipulate numbers for their own purposes,'” White House Press Secretary Ari Fleicher said.

In light of this year’s election fiascos in Florida for the presidential election and at GW for the Stupidpolitical Association election, “Vote Counting and Recounting” will be offered.

“I think this will allow people to empathize with me.” former Just Elect Cock Chairman Squash Hervagina said.

However, after his comment, Hervagina announced a self-imposed gag order until he found out whether the chicken or the egg came first.

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