President George W. Bush was arrested Sunday night when Metro Police raided a party at the Gang Street Helta Tau Skelta frat house. The Helt house is quiet this morning, but a pair of cowboy boots hangs in the branches of the frat’s infamous “shoe tree” – a poignant reminder of the evenings’ insanity.
The Helta house was busted for the second time this year for a political event. This party, a “Pass the Tax” event, was sponsored by Dollarbill Olderage and his Merry Band of Rich White Men to drum up college support for Bush’s tax plan. The U.S. Supreme Court, in an unprecedented display of judicial expediency, has decided to hear the case this week.
How the Metro Police were alerted to the party is unclear, but the anonymous call has been traced to an unlisted 994 number. Suspicion has fallen on the strange and mysterious Disorder of the Hippo.
“The president was arrested for public drunkenness and disturbing the peace,” MPD Sergeant Dick Johnson said. “After the house was raided by officers, the president was seen on the back steps screaming, ‘Y’all ain’t drank beer ’til you wet your whistle with a Bush!’” The president, who has reportedly had been sober for a decade, screamed, “I’m off the wagon, I am back to being a wet Bush!”
The events of the night are still being pieced together. However, initial reports suggest a frightening scenario.
Bush came to campus riding a ‘Midland Stallion’ – a custom built Harley Davidson motorcycle.
The president was able to make it past security that patrolled the door at the house and made his way inside. After getting down to some Lil’ Kim, Bush leapt onto a rickety table sticky with spilt beer and called for silence.
“Attention my fellow United Statsians,” Bush said. “I am glad to be here tonight, I want to invite y’all down to the ranch on Pennsylvania Street for a good ole’ frat party next week, Laura is going away and I’ve had the Secret Service pick up some Biggie CDs.”
After his speech, Bush asked the drunken D.J. for “It Wasn’t Me” and was joined by two buxom coeds in grinding the night away.
Secret Service officers were uneasy about the president’s behavior but did not interfere until he began to crowd surf in his underwear singing “Yellow Rose of Texas.”
Police who moved quickly to raid the party nabbing the leader of the free world as he attempted to escape down the back stairs of the Helt house.
Mullet reporters, working undercover at the event, reported that Bush was involved in an altercation with Helt brothers when he was accused of cutting a crowd of guests waiting for beer. When confronted by brothers Bush said, “there is no problem here, I’ve been cutting lines all night.”
Members of the Helta Tau Skelta frat, a historically Aryan fraternity, said the arrest was another part of the University’s anti-frat rhetoric.
“Don’t call us a fucking ‘frat.’ Do you call your penis a pen?” said junior Nat T. Ice, chairman of the Helta Tau Skelta Getting-Pissed-at-the-Media Committee. “You hypocritical, biased, judgmental, (intelligent and unbelievably attractive) unprofessional, cock-sucking hippies better not misquote me again either.”
Due to antiquated District laws, there is some confusion as to whether Congress will sanction the president. The court will decide the fate of the commander in chief in a rare Wednesday session, though early indications are that the event in question was not a “political” event.
The draconian laws of the Judicial Executive of Columbia are unclear as to what they exactly cover. The JEC rules, as stated in the “charter,” which is written in Nubian Hiroglyphhics and is housed in a cave under Funger Hall, were drastically overhauled following the decadence of the Clinton administration.
“I don’t know if the president will be charged under the JEC charter,” said JEC Running Gag Josie Hersnatch. “I don’t really have a clear understanding of what my job is, or what our rules are.”
Helt members said security was tight at the event.
“We checked out every girl that went by,” said Hein Akins, entertainment secretary for the Helt house.
“The event was totally kosher,” Helt president Simon Cez said. “The president talked to me when he arrived at the event, and said that it was an integral part of his ‘strategery’ to get college support.”
In anticipation of the court proceedings, GW students have begun to camp out outside the Supreme Court building awaiting the historic proceedings.
“I am skipping my poli-sci class to be out here,” said Daniel Rothenbaumerstein, a sophomore majoring in Third World Exploitation. “I don’t learn anything anyway and the hotdog vendors serve better food than any of that J Street shit. I’ve got my Gap tent and my Prada sleeping bag. I’m ready.”
–Jumbo Steinsanddogs did not contribute to this report.