In the greatest triumph of techno artistry to date, the International Amalgated Union of Techno Enthusiasts declared Alice DeeJay the greatest techno-trance-a-tronica band in the free world.

“We’ve been to a lot of raves,” says 13-year-old Corey Reamer, president of IAUTE. “And if there’s a band that truly embodies the spirit of a bunch of hepped-up e-tards humping each other under strobe lights, it’s Alice DeeJay. Just listen to the hit `Better Off Alone’ – that is true musical genius. Not since Mozart has the world seen such a composer.”

Competition was close, with trip-hop legends Vengaboys coming in a close second.

“Any honest raver would have to admit that Vengaboy’s `Boom Boom Boom (I want you in my room)’ almost makes you want to bite through the glow stick in your mouth,” Reamer said.

Ms. DeeJay received a lifetime supply of large, multi-pocketed pants and a solid gold pacifier for taking first place. Many long-time ravers said they are relieved to finally see Alice DeeJay get some credit. English trip-hop fans are glad to see new listeners popping up in the States.

“I’m so excited about the genre’s growing popularity,” says trip-hop star Jessica Simpson, “I heard six people bought Portishead’s Dummy, and only three of them returned it!”

Last year’s winners, Aqua, said they were glad to see true innovation thriving in the drum-and-bass genre. But they offered these words of warning to Alice DeeJay.
“Just don’t let the success go to you’re head,” said Mr. Aqua, “when `I’m a Barbie Girl’ hit big, I thought our star would never burn out, but hey, here I am in a soup kitchen.”

But Alice DeeJay isn’t worried. “I’m prepared for the future,” says DeeJay, grinding her teeth, “I’m got enough pills to keep rolling for a loooong time.. Do you have any water?”