Column: Florida chads bear shrub

When asked about the father, Chad said it was a confusing procedure, and there were too many partners to be completely objective about it. Friends of Chad, also named Chad, were left swinging or hanging as to whether the newborn might be called George W. Bush or just simply Al Gore. Thankfully, the courts took the reins and provided the name for the young one. Maybe next time they will free Mumia and Leonard Peltier, too.

Chad presented most Americans with an unprecedented opportunity to complain bitterly and others to get totally hammered during Inauguration Weekend. But wait a tick, if the majority of Americans are angry, and this is a democracy, what the hell is going on? Damn that nasty little system of checks and balances called the Constitution, and damn two times that good for nothing Electoral College. What on God’s green earth is that anyway, and what kind of SATs do I need to get in there? It seems as though our tricky forefathers have hidden a republic somewhere in the fine print of the Constitution.

Now that the transition of power is over, do you think Fox will be granted its original request to tape Temptation White House? One presidential couple will face the ultimate marital challenge of resisting the sexy and seductive lures presented by young, sweaty interns just yearning for a power struggle. Catch their lies and misery on tape. See how their actions affect the country at large and watch as a tidal wave of infidelity sweeps pop culture. Surf that rising wave of mob mentality but beware of the Electoral College or Independent Counsel that thwarts you. Oh, silly me, that already happened. What was her name, and what did he do? “From such crooked wood . ”

However, I have a feeling that George W. knows how to party. Did you all see him shaking his bon-bon with Ricky Martin? You don’t get moves like that from being sober.

But in all reality, this weekend of parties and protests resembles a microcosm of how this country began. The Boston Tea Party led to the greatest protest of them all, the Revolutionary War. So hey, parties and protests go hand in hand in American history. We are carrying a legacy through the starting gates of a new millennium, but many believe we are on the threshold of a new era in which anyone can be elected. Are we? It seems not just anyone can be elected because all the candidates I heard about had a lot of money behind them. So perhaps just any rich person can be elected. Well no, I don’t think Bill Gates or Donald Trump would win. Perhaps it is just who you know and connecting with new people that gets you elected.

But hold on a minute, George W. tried cocaine! Chad gave birth to a drug abuser? Does that mean Chad was a drug abuser? Does that mean that some but not nearly all Americans have tried drugs? Gasp! We have all made mistakes we are not proud of? My whole sense of self spirals down the drain, and I do not know who to trust. We are all bad people. “From such crooked wood nothing straight can ever be made.”

So, welcome to Capitol Hill and the U.S. government, a system of mostly old men and some women with shady pasts – like the rest of us – who know each other surrounded by young, up-and-comers looking to get ahead. Where is Fox when I need it?

The Hatchet has disabled comments on our website. Learn more.