Column: Keeping up with the Hoyas

Like many of you, I was appalled to learn that the Wall Street Journal labeled GW’s facilities the cushiest of all the universities in their November 11 survey. I wonder if the researchers actually spent time here. For starters, remember that dark day last year when they announced an end to upperclassmen housekeeping? Things were so bad my parents were forced to send Jeeves down from our summer home in the Hamptons. I’m not even going to begin to mention the lack of basic necessities like two-ply toilet paper and valet parking.

Now that we’re finally numero uno in something – I always thought it would be Sex on the Beach consumption, but I’ll take cushy university – it’s vital to maintain our lead. If the University of Maryland buys a couple foosball tables to woo prospective students, it’s all over. Where do we go from here? Conquering real estate in Foggy Bottom just isn’t as fun as it once was with all the neighbors protesting and whatnot. The federal government probably has some lousy excuse to prevent our purchasing the State Department and turning it into New New Hall. But rejoice, gentle readers, for I have formulated a campus plan to make the most of our comparative advantage. Not brain power mind you, but money.

It’s high time the University put those involuntary library contributions to good use and coughed up the big dough to buy Georgetown University. Imagine the mutual gains of The Georgetown Washington University to both schools. The Hoyas would benefit from some much-needed diversity like minorities, non-Jesuits and students with J-Crew deficient wardrobes. All our freshman who opened their mail to find the small envelope from G-Town last April will be happy. Not only would the merger catapult us into the first-tier of schools for good, we would get a football team to boot.

The mutual benefits even extend to the administration. Georgetown’s president is a reverend, a real man of God. He and GW President Stephen Joel Trachtenberg would share presidential responsibilities based on their strengths. For example, while most clergy I know manage to put whole congregations to sleep with their sermons, our esteemed president lulls himself to sleep when speaking before foreign dignitaries. Rev. O’Donovan would handle the speaking engagements and Trachtenberg would, ummm, continue to write Hatchet editorials on the philosophy of university management that no one understands.

To determine exactly how much this acquisition would cost, I called the Office of the President at G-Town and spoke with a very perky staff assistant named Meg, who is a recent Georgetown graduate. I decided to butter Meg up a bit before I went in for the kill. She responded enthusiastically when I asked about how she liked school and working for the prez. Then I dropped the bomb and inquired, So what’s your asking price? She seemed a bit confused, even after I clarified that I was asking about the University. Don’t be silly, I said, you’ve gotta have some kind of price. We’re very interested. My queries were met with consistent protests until she finally offered, Okay, like it will cost 45 kajillion dollars. Now leave me alone you weirdo.

I know that if the national debt is in the trillions, kajillion must mean some serious cash. I’m confident however that we probably have it. I tried dickering Meg down to 20 kajillion but she eventually just hung up. Those Hoya folks sure do drive a hard bargain. Next time I’ll leave the painstaking negotiations to Trachtenberg.

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