Now that election season is in full swing, I feel that it is my public duty to remind all of you gentle readers to get out and vote. Perhaps some of you are still undecided and grappling over which candidate best suits your views. Relax, I’m not here to discuss the neck-and-neck race between Bush and Gore. I’m talking about something much more fundamental to our collective existence as GW students. I’m talking about the Student Association elections.
I know it’s a little early, but I feel now is the right time to announce my candidacy for SA president. OK, so I’m a senior set to graduate next year, but that’s just a technicality. Technicalities can be overcome. For example, who could forget the famous line It depends on what your meaning of `is’ is? Or who hasn’t heard Dude, I think she has a boyfriend. See? No problem.
As SA president, my first official act would be to appoint the Marvin Center Governing Board by fiat because nobody knows what the MCGB does anyway. We’re pulling levers for people and letting them do whatever it is they do unchecked. If our elected officials are left unaccountable in this fashion, I daresay all hell could break loose. They might change the sofa configurations in the Marvin Center’s second floor lobby or something. It is imperative to reign in these unfettered powers before they order new drapes for the Betts Theatre, and I’m just the guy to get the job done.
Bush has Cheney; Gore has Lieberman. It’s important that voters understand who I would appoint to the MCGB. I spent many sleepless nights mulling this decision over, so with great confidence, I present to you my nominees.
George Clinton – a revered and respected leader of Funk, George Clinton has never held elected office. He deserves the MCGB seat as a stepping stone to a more prominent career in politics. With top-notch advisers including Starchild and Bootsey Collins, Clinton would show little hesitation in wielding the bop gun or dropping da bomb on the administration if need be. Clinton would feature Parliament Funkadelic as the main act at J Street swing dances. King James and the Serfs of Swing could be the opening act. Clinton’s campaign slogan, Free your mind and your ass will follow, resounds well with voters.
Pat Buchanan – Three-time White House hopeful and former co-host of CNN’s Crossfire, Pat Buchanan would enforce strict hiring practices and drug testing for J Street employees. Condoms would no longer be available for purchase at Provisions Market. Instead, he vows to replace them with rifles and ammo for compassionate conservatives to go sporting in Maryland’s wild game preserves.
Jesus Christ – The son of God, Jesus brings a wealth of experience to the MCGB. Hailing from Bethlehem, Jesus sees a greater need for divine intervention in the everyday workings of the Marvin Center. He envisions more cultural and social programming at the Hippodrome and would make J Street reform a top priority, replacing Burger King with a permanent fish and chips stand, which he pledges would never run low on key ingredients.
Frankie Avalon – What GW students really want is an indoor pool with 40 feet of beach space instead of student group offices. Who better to bring you such change to the fourth floor as part of the Marvin Center renovations than Avalon? Relegated to bit roles in small budget films and nostalgic appearances on TV sitcoms, Avalon has a lot of time to devote to the MCGB.
This election season, vote for me. Or at least keep me in mind. Yeah, yeah, those national races are important, but we as GW students must keep our priorities straight.