Wild Beasts invade plagued Aston Hall

The residents of Aston Hall, undoubtedly the most beleaguered of GW’s dorms, are certainly hoping for their Moses to rescue them from the depths of Pharaoh’s hell. After being pummeled with plague after plague, can a mass exodus to the Promised Land (i.e. New Hall) be that far off?

First it was the infamous winter-break robberies. Then a random homeless man decided he’d like to take a nap in the Aston, too. Students alleged difficulty accessing the one phone line that all 600 occupants must share, and an evacuation because of smoke in the building came soon after. No Ethernet, far off campus, key cards that perpetually snap in half- it seems all that’s left are frogs, blood in the water (even though the Potomac as the tap water source already is not the cleanest in the nation) and slaying of the first-born residents. Students are surely more fearful now after wild beasts rampaged the apartments this week

Ellie the Elephant, who squeezed her 10-foot behind into one of the Aston’s spacious living rooms, said the posh accommodations attracted the animals.

Besides the criminals, the place has got it all, she said, while vacuuming the floor with her trunk.

Student residents say they are not as excited for their new neighbors.

I came home from a long day of classes, rolled that smelly vagrant out from my doorway, filed an insurance claim on my laptop and passed out of smoke inhalation, said sophomore Lazzie Luzar. When I wake up, what do a see? A llama wearing my Victoria secret Body Bare panties as a hat. All I can say is those things are expensive, and llamas don’t look good in powder blue.

The head of GW Student Sanity Center said this type of behavior is normal for students experiencing their first close-quarter living situation with wild beasts. According to a 1993 study by the Coalition for Man and Beast Cohabitation, 93 percent of people will probably go freakin’ nuts when they realize they are living with wild beasts.

Our role as GW professionals should be to teach students to assimilate with the zoo animals while celebrating their diversity, said Ima Psycho, director of the SSC. This can be done through a variety of activities including mixers (sans alcohol, hee-hee), getting-to-know-you game-show events and, of course, I stressed this most of all: through floor meetings. No positive change will come in this world without FLOOR MEETINGS. They are vital, you hear me vital. Where are you going?

But all of the University’s lack of concern may be in vain. Yesterday morning, the earth opened wide beneath the Aston and swallowed the ill-fated building and its odd cast of characters in an enormous sink-hole.

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