U.S. Prez takes a drunken tour of Foggy Bottom campus

U.S. President Bill Clinton engaged in a drunken rampage through campus Friday before eventually making his way to Georgetown, where he woke up naked early Saturday morning.

White House Secret Service reported that the president hopped over the fence surrounding the White House lawn at about 10:30 p.m. Friday night and stole a Domino’s Pizza delivery moped.

Clinton stopped at Irish Times and then the Foggy Bottom Pub before crashing his stolen moped through the door of Tower Records.

Witnesses reported seeing Clinton, wearing a tank top and pajama bottoms, scamper across 21st Street toward the Marvin Center.

He was yelling, `Where are all the co-eds,’ and kept grabbing himself said hot dog and pretzel vendor Masseuse. Then he fell down the steps outside the Marvin Center.

Clinton made his way into the ground floor of the Marvin Center where security cameras taped the President stumbling into the men’s bathroom. What occurred inside the bathroom is unknown, but security cameras taped Clinton stroll out of the bathroom approximately 30 minutes later, smoking a cigar.

Clinton then made his way over to the Jamba Juice stand, which was closed. He broke in and proceeded to relieve himself into the orange juice machine. After having a glass of orange juice, security cameras captured Clinton making his way toward the H Street exit of the Marvin Center.

Upon exiting the Marvin Center, freshman Capri-Pantsi Cellphone approached the President.

I asked him what he was doing on campus, and he asked me if I wanted `to see the Commander-In-Chief’. I told him yes. How often do you get to see the President? she said.

According to Cellphone, she took Clinton to the fountain in the Mid- Campus Quad, where they had sex. Clinton was not awarded any money from GW fraternity alumni because of impending campaign finance reforms; and the act was not witnessed by two members of any fraternity.

Clinton then relieved himself in the fountain, leaving his freshman conquest in the fountain. He made his way to Strong Hall. A CF on duty let Clinton in when he banged on the entrance to Strong Hall and made an obscene gesture with his tongue. Clinton then went door-to-door looking for women.

Junior Leslie Bian, a first-floor Strong Hall resident opened the door when Clinton knocked loudly, yelling, FBI! Open up!

I opened the door, and he said `Federal Breast Inspector,’ and he grabbed my breasts. I slammed the door in his face and went back to hating men in my room, she said.

Bian said she put on an Indigo Girls CD and tried to calm down from her presidential encounter. According to Bian, Clinton then knocked on her window and relieved himself.

Clinton’s whereabouts are then unknown until he showed up sleeping in front of a student’s door in the Aston at 3 a.m. Clinton evacuated the Aston, along with students and other vagrants sleeping in the halls when the Aston burned down a little after 3 a.m.

According to Metro Police Department Spokesperson Delia Crackn’Whores, the President was picked up by two Metro officers at about 6 a.m. in front of Urban Outfitters in Georgetown. According to the police report, Clinton was completely naked, gripping an empty bottle of rubbing alcohol. The report continues, suspect made a pass at both officers, who were male, and then relieved himself in the backseat of the police car.

The president is scheduled to speak in the Dorothy Marvin Betts Theatre this Wednesday on the state of Israeli-Palestinian affairs. According to a University release, if he has to use the bathroom he will have to go across the street to TGI Friday’s.

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