It’s midnight and you and your honey want to get it on. But doing it in your room is getting old, and, besides, it smells like yesterday’s Spaghetti-O’s. Your roommate will be back soon and definitely not drunk enough not to notice your grunting and moaning. So what’s a love-starved GW student to do? The Crotch-Itch Features Department proudly presents five locations to fulfill all your romantic needs, day or night. Something happens here.
1. The Kogan Plaza Fountain – Nothing gets people going like flowing water, even if it is the same crusty old water flowing over and over again. GW’s newest landmark is cool on a hot day, and on a cool day, well, it’s turned off, but don’t let that stop you from unexpectedly throwing your baby in for a swim. They will thank you, possibly by submerging you in the fountain’s murky depths for longer than your air supply will sustain. A good choice for exhibitionist couples with passive-aggression issues, a favorite of fraternity boys (they wish!)
2. Cone E. Island – GW’s favorite ice cream shoppe is the perfect place to fool around with your sweetie. Little-explored second floor seating area is always empty and offers a gigantic mirror for your pleasure. Plentiful supply of whipped cream and cherries a major plus. A smart move for couples who enjoy sitting on their butts more than long walks on the beach, and finishing up with two scoops of Mint Chocolate Chip.
3. The SA Office – Don’t let constant traffic flow scare you away. People just walk in and out, but never actually stay long enough to accomplish anything. Beware of potential carpet burn and paper-cuts, but the office does offer a lovely selection of tabletops on which you can attend to your important business. Abundant red-tape supply suitable for light S&M exploration. Just don’t look directly at any of the SA members while consummating the act, your loved one may turn to stone.
4. Marvin Center Bowling Alley – There’s nothing quite as erotic as getting laid wearing red, white and blue shoes, now is there? This hot-spot combines knockin’boots with knocking pins, always a crowd pleaser. The GW alley is pleasantly devoid of horny U.S. presidents, unlike the city’s other venue at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Take advantage of neighboring Hippodrome, the leather couches never chafe, and the Dine-A-Vision Mozzarella sticks are nearly gourmet. Best part: Instant post-sex e-mail check.
5. Gelman Library Sixth Floor – A veritable pink pleasure palace, the newly renovated study area is an ideal place to shag. Squishy chairs, studious folk and most importantly, quiet, will greet you here. Not a good fit for couples who like to scream, Gelman librarians are not above asking you (embarrassingly) to pipe down. But if you swoon over Romeo and Juliet, Catherine and Heathcliffe, and Emma and Mr. Knightly, get it on in pastoral Gelman post haste. You can right it off as valuable study time.