With no Levi Strauss parties to occupy Friday and Saturday nights, many SA insiders have found themselves out of the loop this year. So, as a service to you, the devoted readers of our impeccable SA coverage (yes, all seven of you who actually read and care about the SA), The GW Crotch-Itch brings you the SA Gossip Column. Consider this your own personal townhouse swirling with stories of the steamy hook-ups and midnight rendezvous of your oh-so-sexy student representatives.
OK, so like word on the street is that a former SA EVP (this tattler’s lips are sealed as to which one, but I’ll give you a clue: his is the above-mentioned townhouse) is living in San Francisco in a free-love community with the remaining members of Ken Kesey’s band of Merry Pranksters. For all of you voyeuristic souls, here’s another tidbit of info about the EVP’s escapades: the Prankster crew likes to use the gavel.
Well, like this Gossip Queen was strolling around the fourth floor of the Marvin Center last week and OhMyGod who does she spot but a particularly sensual SA Senator getting all touchy-feely with lots of studly student leaders. One totally reliable source (sorry dearies – once again, can’t say who) told me she’s preparing for her intended career after she leaves school: prostitute. (Editor’s note: yes, the Crotch-Itch loves the Boss!)
So when that hunk of a removed SA President (yes, the one with the perfectly coifed hair and Ralph Lauren sweaters) started going out with the blond Mini Mouse from Mapleleaf, Mass., everyone speculated it was because she just wanted to do the nasty on the desk in his big office. But the walking alliteration has proved naysayers wrong by sticking with the poor sap through his impeachment, removal and election to a new office. Both little darlings have said while the relationship has been a rocky road, the outcome has been tremendous. Sigh, this gabby gal loves stories with happy endings!
Well, until next week, keep your ear to the ground guys and gals, and give me a ring at 994-6555 with any juicy gossip you may hear on the fourth floor. In next week’s column: SA leaders rumored to be taking relationship cues from the movie Election and finding love in all the wrong places – under President Tractenbabe’s desk.
Disclaimer: This column is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. So. ummm.. take the SA Constitution out of your ass, and don’t sue us!
Tata for now sweeties!
This article appeared in the April 1, 2000 issue of the Hatchet.