Now that the Student Ass elections are over, the Ass is getting back to its usual business of doing nothing for its constituents. You know what that means boys and girls: impeachments, impeachments, impeachments.
This year’s Ass will have a tough time matching up to the lack of accomplishment of the Pill Simpleton/err.Jeff Laxter.err.Catty Feu regime. But with such inept folks as President Davey-mon Burnt and EVP Poopy Head Wrestler taking over soon, they might just top the stupidity of this year’s Ass.
For Burnt, hundreds of hours on the campaign trail has paid off – now he can sit back, give a few bucks to his friends and watch his regime unravel. What are the chances that the (future Turkish League) GW basketball players who got Burnt elected will stick around to craft valuable legislation? Your answer: the same chances of frosh baller SirGreedy Beige ever breaking basketball’s 40 percent Medoza line for shooting percentage (in other words, zero).
Wrestler, in an effort to further ensure that nothing gets done (as usual), plans to test Ass Senators on Robert’s Rules. What if the Senators fail? Will they not be allowed in the Senate? Doesn’t that violate the Senators’ rights, Miss Wrestler? But who are we – the equally doltish editors of The Crotch-Itch – to speculate on important issues?
So, direct from Las Vegas, here’s the betting line on a few possible events:
* 3 to 1 – Odds of President Burnt’s impeachment
* 1 to 2 – Odds of EVP Wrestler’s impeachment (you’ll double your money if you win the bet that she doesn’t get thrown out).
* 1,000,000 to one – Odds of the Ass gaining the respect of either students/administrators/themselves/their mothers.
* The odds machine was unable to tabulate the chances of the Ass getting anything accomplished, but the best estimate would be as low as infinite and as high University Prez SJT’s unearned ego.
This year’s Ass has a tough act to follow. But with this band of idiots soon to be in charge, the new Ass has a solid chance of eclipsing the morbidly low level of accomplishment attained by previous Asses. The smart money is on the absolute failure of Burnt/Wrester’s Ass and the impeachment of one of their pompous asses.
This article appeared in the April 1, 2000 issue of the Hatchet.