Prez hires new VP, ‘I will call him Mini-Me’

GW’s prez, Dr. T-Evil said Wednesday that a new vice president in charge of Silly Ass Student Support started work this week.

Mini-Me, who was genetically engineered to be a one-eighth-size replica of Dr. T-Evil, will become the new SASS vice president. Although Mini-Me has no prior experience at a university, Dr. T-Evil said he is confident Mini-me will do a good job. The last SASS vice president was let go after Dr. T-Evil said he wasn’t evil enough.

The little guy is frickin’ great, Dr. T-Evil said. Students were being helped out too much. They are always whining, `My tuition is too high, My classroom is overcrowded, I have to sit on the floor.’ Mini-me will tell them to stop complaining and get the job done. Would you like a Hot Pocket?

Dr. T-Evil said hiring Mini-Me is a part of GW’s Decades Campaign, a $550-billion fundraising effort to destroy the world.

Yes, originally it was called the Centuries Campaign, and I wanted to raise one MILLION dollars, he said. But then I decided that would take too long.

Mini-Me declined to talk for this interview, but he just sat on Dr. T-Evil’s lap and made mini-grunts. Dr. T-Evil said he is assured even though Mini-Me is verbally meek, he will stop student complaints.

Dr. T-Evil said Mini-me is compressed evil, so he will stop students from complaining. When Dr. T-Evil isn’t bothered by complaints, he said he can focus more on destroying the world.

Yes, it is all part of my evil plan to destroy the world, he said. We buy up and tear down houses on 23rd Street so people don’t notice when we take over small countries.

But many students said they don’t like the management style of the new mini-vice president.

When I told him I had a problem with my English TA, he jumped onto his desk and bit me, junior Whining Fornothing said. I asked him if I could write a complaint letter, but he said he wanted a cookie. I’ll never go to administrators with a problem again.

My evil plan is working, Dr. T-Evil said. I am currently training him to do the same for graduate teaching assistant complaints too.

Dr. T-Evil said if Vice President Mini-Me works out he will have more made for all administrative positions. But for now, he’s still working out the kinks.

Stop humping the Hippo, Mini-Me.

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