Phil Meisjerk sells University to AOL

A month before starting to serve on the Marvin Center Whining Board, Phil Meisjerk has already been impeached for attempting to sell the University to America Online.

Meisjerk held a press conference Sunday at J Street to announce that he was disbanding the University and selling off the property and the student body as laborers to AOL.

I have been elected to do what the students want, and both students I spoke to said they would like to be sold to AOL, Meisjerk said at J Street.

Meisjerk’s arms seemed to be attached to strings that were being pulled from inside the podium. When the podium was opened, a small man, resembling a weasel, was found inside.

Please ignore the man inside the podium, Meisjerk said. The great and powerful Mandelberg, I mean Meisjerk, has spoken.

Meisjerk said negotiations with AOL began in earnest that afternoon, after talks with Coca-Cola ended without a deal. Meisjerk said he knows students want Coke and faster computers and didn’t think selling the University’s property was a bad way to go about accomplishing either goal.

AOL President Steve Waste said GW is the perfect university for him to purchase to continue taking over the world.

I see a lot of myself in Steven Mandelberg Waste said. We are both kids who were beaten up in high school and tried to form militias before moving into computers.

Both Mandelberg and Waste left the press conference on broom sticks.

GW President Still Just Takingproperty said he planned to build a new college, based in Columbia Plaza.

Columbia Plaza is the perfect place to start anew, he said. Those old gals will never know what hit them. No wait, I was kidding, you’re not going to quote me, are you?

All six members of the Always Nosy Commission were pushed out fifth floor windows by University administrators at their recent meeting and were therefore unavailable for comment.

Stunned Association president Katy Baxter cried after learning the University had been sold.

Meisjerk is just so mean, Baxter said. This is why I organized, I mean supported, his impeachment from the SA.

New SA President David Hurt said he could not believe student politicians were sinking so low to pretend to help students.

It’s just so sad to see SA politicians acting so phony, Hurt said. Usually when I act phony, I at least try to pretend to be legitimate.

This is the second time Meisjerk has been impeached from a student organization. He said he plans to create his own student organization to run the Marvin Center and then plans his own student group to program movies and big parties on the Quad.

I think the University should just fire all of their staff and just hire me, Meisjerk said. Look how much I have accomplished.

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