News Briefs

Holt shocks the world, writes about women’s sports

Dave Dolt, GW Hatchet associate sports editor, shocked readers and friends alike after writing a column about women’s basketball in Monday’s Hatchet.

That frickin’ trader, I knew he’d turn on me one day, men’s basketball Coach Tommy Pending said. I don’t pay this kid to write about shitty girly sports. Next thing I know he’s gonna be turning up stories about gang violence and special treatment among our players.

The women’s basketball team was equally shocked, citing co-editor Zapped Littlewits as its go-to guy for coverage.

I was totally shocked, at first I thought this was some big mistake and the name got messed up, but that Dave guy actually wrote about us! one player said as she trembled with tears. He likes us, he really likes us.

Dolt said he wrote the column because the men’s team had pissed him off during a night out.

They got in this fight and pulled out guns and wouldn’t even let me shoot one, he said emotionally. Dolt said one of the players apologized after the column was written and offered a colored bandana in remorse.

Littlewits said he hopes the column was the start of a new trend in the sports department.

Although both said the column is a step in the right direction for the section, the editors said they would go to the extreme of actually covering a golf match.

J Street announces new `friendly’ plan

Students wandered around J Street confused by a new phenomena – friendly service on campus.

The employees unanimously adopted a new plan, dubbed Service With A Smile, to improve relations with students.

I asked for a Nacho Supreme and ducked like I always do and the lady didn’t yell or spit on me or anything, one sophomore said. This is frickin’ weird, I don’t know if I can get used to it.

Some students bolted out of J Street after the initial shock from seeing friendly servers, while others reached for their cell phones to inform others.

Students reported that they saw two employees resolve a disagreement by agreeing to take the matter up when they got off work.

It was a little disappointing, to tell you the truth, a freshman said. Shit, I come here to see brawls. If they’re not going to duke it out while I’m served my 20-minute taco, what’s the point of coming?

-The Love Muscle

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