High hos

News of new Crappy Life and Low Cooperation programs is usually a big snore to most everyone besides the staff of CLLC. But the unveiling of two new Sweet Love Cities has some GW students ripping off their pants and getting’ jiggy with glee.

Following the dubious success of The Smarty-Pants Shtetl, which puts up a bunch of cloying overachievers in swanky townhouses (recently torn from the clutches of no-good fraternities) to sit around and chat about how great they are, the Sweet Love Cities will offer two tracks of total immersion learning.

The first townhouse, dubbed the Sex Suite by CLLC staff members who think they are witty, will welcome students with a strong interest in getting laid. The other residence – known prior to the University’s purchase as The Crack House for its large number of drug-abusing inhabitants – will now be called, The Crack House that is really, really expensive to live in, for its large number of drug-abusing inhabitants whose parents refuse to let them live off campus.

GW really cares about screwing students and then fucking them up, said CLLC Director I. B. Doing-Nuttin of the new programs.

Both of the residential experiences will include an educational curriculum of books, films and field trips. Resources will include the Indian sex manual, Kama Sutra, the Austin Power’s novella Swedish Penis Enlargement, That is my bag baby!, the luscious lesbian love-fest Better than Chocolate and the pamphlet Why People Who Write University Press Releases are the World’s Greatest Lovers, according to a University press release.

Out-of-bedroom fieldtrips to the Marvin Center bathrooms and Thurston Hall floors two through seven will be another centerpiece of the program.

Only at GW can we see how our in-class exploration of sexual deviancy comes alive in this city, added Doing-Nuttin.

At the Crack House, students will take several new courses, including At-Home Chemistry 138, Cop Evasion 165 and Making Hallucinations Work for You 109. Students will be asked to compose a journal of their trips, in and out of class.

Finally, we’re learning something useful for our $400,000 a year, said junior Mary Juana, who intends to apply for the program after she packs another bowl. Though classes and field trips will be covered by tuition, participants are being charged an additional $10,000 lab fee to cover extra goodies, according to program director, Lotta Weed. She attributed the high charge to the rising cost of Central American merchandise, because of tightening border controls by the United States.

The drugged-up kids are so much more laid back about this fee than those prissy SMPA kids, Weed said. It’s nice to know that some students aren’t evil wannabe journalists out to destroy you.

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