Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

AN INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER SERVING THE GW COMMUNITY SINCE 1904

The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

NEWSLETTER
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Officials name senior vice president, chief of staff
By Fiona Riley, Assistant News Editor • March 26, 2024

Handy Tips for Getting Maximum Protection from University Police

-from your not-so-friendly UPD officers

– If you need protection, call two hours before anything happens. If we’re not on a lunch, coffee, bathroom or donut break or harassing the homeless, we’ll be with you in a few hours.

– If you need an escort van, call four hours in advance. Be sure to be at the curb when we get there. You don’t want to cut in on our naptime.

– Refrain from resembling the homeless. Dirty clothes, unkempt hair, sleeping bags and a state of unconsciousness are all signs of aggression that will be treated with appropriate measures of action.

– Lock your doors, always lock your doors. Whenever in doubt, lock your doors. No really, we mean it.

– Stay away from Aston Hall. You won’t find us there. In our minds, it doesn’t exist. If you are looking for us, first check the Marvin Center bathrooms.

– If you see anyone carrying a gun in the Marvin Center, let us know. We need all the help we can get.

– If you’re calling about SAE, we know. We’re scared, too.

– If you need real protection, call Metropolitan Police. They’re pros; we just like the uniforms.

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