GW buys White House, Clinton moves to a trailer on the Ellipse

GW officials announced today they would purchase 89 percent of the White House and hope to use their new acquisition as residence hall space for next year’s exceedingly large freshman class.

This is a great, great day for GW, said University President Biggie Joel. Now, GW will finally receive the national attention we deserve.

Officials with the Community Living and Learning By Mistakes Center said they hope to use the new dorm, which will be named Hall on Pennsylvania Avenue, as part of an extensive living and learning program.

HOPA’s program will be called Sex, Drugs and Politics. The Lincoln Bedroom will remain unoccupied and will be used as a learning tool for HOPA’s students as well as a guest bedroom for prospective students.

The addition of the program in HOPA will be a great acquisition for GW and for its students and will provide them with a unique educational experience to learn about the intricacies of U.S. and foreign politics, said Mark Ovaltine, director of CLLBMC.

GW’s acquisition of the D.C. landmark has ignited worldwide debate. Armed protesters from across the country gathered at Biggie’s Kalorama mansion last night carrying signs and chanting.

To hell with Iraq, let’s bomb Biggie, cried hundreds of protesters, who were kept behind a retaining wall by University Police.

I would just like to say to Mr. Joel, that I think his decision to buy the White House is horrendous, said Istaelp Tghevichta, a protester at last night’s rally. I hope he rots in hell.

Although details are murky, officials from both the White House and GW said there will still be limited executive branch activity in the mansion, although most offices, as well as that of the President Clinton, will be moved to nearby trailers on the Ellipse until further arrangements are found.

Joel reportedly received scores of telegrams and phone calls from heads of state requesting that GW not purchase the building. Joel responded by inviting them for a small banquet at his home and by sending them GW admissions information.

Official statements have been issued from nearly all House and Senate offices, as well as federal agencies. Many condemn GW for what the FBI called in its statement an egregious ploy to gain national media attention while desecrating the establishment that so many Americans have held true to their hearts as the center for democracy across the world.

Student reaction to the decision was mixed.

You know, this is fucking unbelievable, said GW student Ima Richbitch. My parents pay all of this money to send me to GW, you know, and I don’t even get a chance to live in HOPA? Whatever. This sucks. And they say they’re going to give those slots to freshmen? As if. You know, if suddenly, like, everyone knows about GW, do you think we’ll finally get a good basketball team next year?

Student Association President Katie Rue said the University’s decision would help increase academic standards at the school.

I’m excited about this new purchase, Rue said. I hope with this national attention the University is receiving that administrators will finally increase the school’s academic standards, as this organization has been urging them to do for years. If the University feels this was the right decision to acquire housing for the large incoming freshman class, then of course, I support them 100 percent.

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