Freshman guard SirShootalot Brown amazed the packed Smith Center Thursday night with a 43-for-120 shooting performance that netted the nation’s leading scorer 100 points. Despite Brown’s record-shattering performance, the Colonials fell to Duquesne, 160-102.

I always said, once I get my shootin’ thang on, ain’t no stoppin’ me, said Brown, who then started crying because of the loss, then started high-fiving his teammates because of his 100 points, and then started crying again.

Brown asserted himself early. Right before the referee threw up the opening tip, Brown elbowed senior center Sisquo in the ribs and grabbed the ball, hurling it behind his head and swishing the three with just one-tenth of a second expired in the game.

But after leading GW’s comeback from a 100-20 halftime deficit, Brown decided it would be easier to score points if he shot on GW’s basket. Unfortunately, despite his 30-of-30 performance against his own team, all of those points were credited to Duquesne players who were on the other side of the court.

Late in the game, when the outcome was already decided, senior walk-on Mutual Fund entered the game. As soon as he reached the scorer’s table to check in, hundreds of students began to furiously masturbate.

With 15 seconds left, Fund hit two free throws for the final margin. An estimated 2,000 students immediately came on themselves.

It’s not a pretty site, remarked Smith Center Director Tony the Rat during the postgame cleanup. But that’s what we have student employees for.

Basketball Notes:

– Rumors continued to swirl Thursday that SirShootalot Brown may declare himself eligible for the Continental Basketball Association (CBA). Neither he nor his agent would say if the rumors were true or false.

I think I’m definitely ready, said Brown. I could play at that level.

Brown’s agent concurred.

Agent, what’s an agent? said Brown’s agent. Who told you that?

– Men’s basketball coach Tommy the Pen was asked again after the game about the controversy he left behind at the University of Texas. Obviously upset after the demoralizing loss, Tommy the Pen broke his laid-back demeanor for a few moments.

You know what I really think? he said. You want to know what I really think? I think that Goddamn little punk who’s suing me is a whining piece of shit! As far as I’m concerned, he and that car salesman S.O.B. can go fuck each other!

The coach apologized moments later and said that his former player was a great kid.

– When sophomore center Alert Coma entered the game early in the second half, he was hit with eggs and batteries while the ever-charming student section screamed the peculiar chant, I wish you would just die.

I guess this is American way of showing appreciation for my hard work? said Coma after the game and before he killed himself.