Who should we bomb today? – Staff editorial

We are always amazed at how much impact our editorials have on national and international issues. It seems that any time we tell another nation what they should do on a given issue, they listen to us. Just consider:

 In the early 1940s, we warned the Japanese that if they carried out their expansionist plans, there would be repercussions. After they failed to take our advice and bombed Pearl Harbor, we told Roosevelt that the only option for such an “infamous day,” as we put it, was war. The next day, FDR listened to our wise advice;

 In 1961, we told the Soviets to turn around ships that were bound for Cuba; they listened, and we helped avert global nuclear war;

 In 1974, we called on Richard Nixon to step down as president saying, “it’s time to teach The Man a lesson.” He heeded our call and resigned the following week;

 In 1982, we warned Lebanon that unless it stopped supporting terrorists that used their country as bases for attacks on Israel, there would be hell to pay. The Israelis got our hint and invaded three days later;

 Toward the end of the 1980s, we told Gorbachev that enough was enough and that it was time to put an end to the Soviet Union. Sure enough, Gorby listened and closed shop within a few months;

 We sternly told Saddam Hussein to take his “bloody paws” off of Kuwait in 1991. After President George Bush got his copy of MS Hatchet, he rounded up a posse of nations and took on Saddam.

 Last year, when Saddam was threatening U.N. forces that were keeping his ass in check, we wrote that “he better just back down, or else.” He must not have checked our Web site that day because he was soon bombarded by U.S. planes. Sure enough, two days later we noticed some hits to our Web site from Iraq and the announcement was made that Iraq was backing down.

We are now calling for the international community to deal with what is going on in Kosovo. We also want the United Nations to come up with a nicer flag and logo (that sky blue is so ’80s!). The European Union should address its member nations’ body odor problem. If the French do not start bathing daily, they will face swift and decisive repercussions.

Our power is global. Whatever nation fails to bend to our will shall suffer the consequences. We are not only the GW campus monolith, we are THE monolith. You have been warned.

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