UPD apprehended a Mitchell Hall resident Monday after he was found reading an overdue book on the roof of his residence hall, said Seven Grooves, Gelman’s Dangerous Liaison.

“To Kill A Mockingbird was three weeks overdue and someone needed to pay,” Grooves said. “We recovered the book even though three pages had been dog-eared and reshelved it correctly.”

This incident comes as a result of a Gelman crackdown on delinquent students. Grooves was appointed Tuesday to lead up a task force called “Friends of the Library,” whose mission is to enforce library policy.

“We decided that our current tactics just weren’t working,” said Smack Biggins, Gelman’s funky head honcho. “Students were sneaking cookies and beverages in unauthorized containers and hiding in the nooks and crannies in the stacks.”

The first time students are caught by a member of “Friends of the Library,” they will receive an evil look. If the member of “Friends of the Library” catches the student a second time, he or she is authorized to take their books and homework, Grooves said.

“The other day we found this guy trying to reshelve his own books,” Grooves said. “I glared at him, but when I saw that he was putting a PN6701.98 in the FD8721.99076B shelf and the cup he was drinking out of didn’t even have a lid, I knew we had a problem.”

Grooves said repeat offenders may be beaten with heavy reference books until they confess and then assigned to work detail on Gelman’s dreaded upper floors.

“We’re hoping the forced labor can finish up construction on the sixth and seven floors,” Biggins said. “If the laborers become unproductive, we’ll give them duty on `The Island,’ also known as the information desk.”

Grooves said librarians are here to help students.

“As a dangerous liaison, I want to improve the relationship between students and the library, but I’m not afraid to open up a can a whoop-ass if I have to,” Grooves said.