Street gangs terrorize campus after elections

The streets of GW are burning this week as a slew of Student Association-fueled hate crimes have come in the wake of last Thursday’s elections.

Roving street gangs have turned GW’s once safe and virtually Tab-free community into a war zone.

Riots started immediately after the results were announced Thursday night as supporters of presidential candidate Alickso Nice set fire to winner Fill Myass’s residence hall room.

Following suit, members of the Beta Eta Epsilon Rho fraternity, of which EVP candidate Derek Sogross is a member, set an ambush in winner Caity Bleu’s apartment building. When she returned with several supporters, chaos ensued.

BEER members supposedly taunted Bleu, inviting her to “come and get it. You know you want it. C’mon baby, we really care about you.”

In the brawl that ensued, which was eventually broken up by neutral PB members, three were seriously injured and rushed to GW Hospital.

To serve and protect their new president, Myass supporters erected a barricade in front of Lisner Auditorium, around the sacred Brass Hippo. Myass, straddling the Hippo and wearing a tri-cornered hat with a feather in it reminiscent of Napoleon, barked orders to his troops.

“That dirty whore will never take away what Daddy bought for me!” he bellowed down H Street.

Alickso Nice’s supporters then ambled slowly up the street, carrying burning Myass posters. Hurling petrol bombs contained in J Street Pepsi cups, the rioters stormed the barricade, chanting “Ol?! Myass will never rule! Ol?!”

Myass’ supporters responded by chipping bricks out of the walls of Lisner Auditorium and hurling them at Nice and her supporters. The riot was only broken up after J Street employees, realizing that both sides of the battle had indulged in free refills, reportedly “laid the smack down.”

Refugees from JBKO to Guthridge have fled the threat of violence. They are residing in shantytowns set up in Mitchell Hall.

“Conditions are terrible. The people here do not like having their quiet hermitage disrupted, and the number of stabbings increases daily,” said one refugee who fled shortly after fighting erupted on the ninth floor of Thurston Hall, a place once called “the quiet floor.”

While the fighting has died down in the past days, the threat of violence still looms. Armed students still ride down F Street in Jeep Grand Cherokees and the covert recruiting in Thurston has become increasingly evident. There are no peace talks scheduled.

-vanNoordididoher reported from the H Street Terrace and the basement of Mitchell, where he has a love den. All interested ladies should congregate there today at 9:39 p.m. to meet the blond, frisbee-playin’ production god himself.

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