Straight from University press releases to your eyes

Riot breaks out at Smith Center

The usual evening overflow in the Smith Center work-out room turned violent last night as students began brawling over the use of stationary bikes.

Observers said several female students became entangled in the melee, which began when one accused another of cutting in line for the much-coveted bikes.

“Some people just have no respect,” said Barbie Jones, whose arm was badly bruised as she fought for her own spot in line. “God, it’s like what’s their problem? Can’t they just recognize that we all need to fit into our black pants by Friday night? It’s like, wait your turn or something, heifer!”

Sandi Smith, the exercise science major accused of starting the mini-riot said her own fear of inadequacy fueled her inappropriate behavior.

“I just felt so fat!” she said afterward, fighting back tears. “It’s like, if I had to look at my fat thighs for one more minute, I felt like I was going to punch somebody. So I did.”

Smith didn’t just punch, bystanders said, she lobbed a free weight at the head of one woman whom she believed exceeded the 25 minute time limit on all cardio equipment.


Eurotrash Students for Progress raise awareness about raising awareness

GW’s Eurotrash Students for Progress is out to raise awareness about its concerns – high cell phone rates, the right to wear black and the embarrassment when your name isn’t on the list at the club.

“People need to be made aware of these issues, we’re fighting for Eurotrash rights,” said Utter Expensiveblackshit.

He said the group will hold its first meeting at the Bank night club. “If you somebody, like, your name’ll be on that list at the door. If not, yo, like, you know, get lost,” he said.

-New Kid on The Block

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