Just Enjoys Carelessness announced Tuesday that Swingin’ “Mr.” Rogers (hey, baby check out my Land of Make-Believe) won this year’s election for Student Alienation president.
“We’re gonna make the SA mo’ bigger, mo’ stronger, mo’ better,” Rogers said. He then went back to standing under a J Street table.
Rogers did not run a write-in campaign but was chosen by many GW students who couldn’t decide which candidate they disliked least.
He was declared the winner after the JEC counted the voting machines again, having realized it forgot to look at the ones in the Marvin Center.
“We apologize to the entire student body for our partially accurate count,” JEC Chair Todd God said. God said all of the JEC members were too busy changing their majors to math to look at all of the results.
God and his followers said the JEC also forgot to count all Greek-letter member votes.
“Basically, the JEC does not like fraternity members,” JEC member Kry Mea-River said. “We stopped counting votes after we got tired, so we eliminated the Greeks. Besides, the Greeks steal all of our freshman girls.”
Rogers is the fifth person to be named SA president this month. First Shootin’ Dice was named the winner, but extra ballots were found “by accident.” Then Phil Myass won a runoff, but he was thrown out of the election because his campaign created fake GWorld cards so students could vote twice.
Other winners have included Jesus, who made an amazing come from behind win after receiving only eight votes last year, Kermit the Frog and a student named I P. Freely, who the registrar’s office could not confirm was actually a student.
Current SA President Carries Postitnotes said she was disappointed with the change.
“I have to go study so I really can’t talk now,” she said. “But I have your name and number on one of the exclusive SA Post-it notes. Do you want a Post-it note? They really come in handy during tough times.”
In second place was Pat Moreanus, who was chosen by students who said they wanted to return to the good old days when the SA president at least pretended to care.
Moreanus said he thanks GW’s baseball team for putting him over the top.
“I thank my girlfriend Shana, I mean Jody. What’s her name, mom?” Moreanus said.
Moreanus said this new turn of events will fit right in with his new movie. He said he would not have spent a lot of time on his SA duties if he had won because of previous academic commitments.
Moreanus thanked his friends for their support..
“Chi Sigma rules. All my brothers, everything they’ve done over the past months – they’re amazing,” he said.
Chi Sigma brothers said they will have a party for Moreanus later this summer during Colonial Inauguration. They said they wished Moreanus was not so popular with GW women.
“Moreanus is gettin’ some ass tonight,” said Chi Sigma brother Grant Mesome, who asked not to be identified. We identified him anyway.
Former College Democrats member and GW graduate Adam Blue said he would return to GW to fight for Rice.
“I cannot let Rice go down to defeat,” he said. “She won it fair and square. Or at least square.”
To quell rumors of falsified GW student groups used in SA candidate endorsements, The Hatchet contacted representatives of organizations that allegedly supported SA President-Elect Kill (MsAlexis) Meisner in the recent campaign. The group’s spokespeople assured reporters that they are in fact real and thriving on campus. Here’s what they had to say:
GW College Whigs: “GW must not stand for the American colonies’ succession from Mother England!”-Phillip Q. Meisner, recording secretary
League of Muslim Students: “From all corners of the world, Muslim students must join in the mission of Allah!” -Phillaqah Meisner, executive chair
Students for Happiness, GW chapter: “Of course we have members. Who doesn’t support happiness?” -Lilly O. Meisner, Joy committee co-chair
Students against Lying In Media Endorsements (SLIME): “We’re kind of, um, bulldogs . I mean watchdogs.” -Phil “Bulldog” Liesmore, SLIME president
Thurston Hall room #912 Society: “As freshmen at GW we feel it is important for the community to understand our message: Meisner is hot!” -Felicia Shmeisner, treasurer
Coke Inc.: “You better believe we support Meisner. We’re paying for that damn kid’s college tuition!” -Bill Cokey, CEO
-Compiled from staff reports (ya know, the piss boys)