Everyone knows the Simply Aggravating elections were a joke. The candidates were inept. The ones who lost would have done shitty; the ones who won also will do shitty. Actually they won’t do much of anything. (There will, however, be a “student rally” outside the Marvin Center next week protesting the lack of Orangina in J Street soda machines.)
It is fairly obvious that those who saw themselves fit to run for SA positions, especially SA president and erotic virtual president (EVP), do not know how to manage their time. Without exception, candidates wasted their time with petty sabotage and threat tactics. The candidates would have better served themselves had they adopted different campaign techniques.
Tearing down and burning posters is all well and good, but a more effective technique is to put up fake posters of your opponent advocating ridiculous or obscene positions. If a candidate wished to eliminate his or her opponent’s posters entirely, then simply place snipers in strategic locations around campus to pick off any would-be enemy posterers.
Now we get to the interesting part: frame an opponent for a felony. A simple accusation does nothing but assassinate the cheerleader’s, I mean, your opponent’s character.
Since all SA candidates lack character, moral values or souls, this proves to be an ineffective use of time. By framing someone for a felony, an opponent will be too busy with court proceedings, using campaign money for bail and buying off court officials to worry about the EVP race, or the cheerleading team.
Let me also suggest a political maneuver used for decades in Latin America with much success: assassination.
Would anyone really mind if a drive-by took out an SA candidate? Assassination serves multiple purposes, which are good for all concerned, save for the recently departed – it means automatic victory for the one who takes the initiative to knock off a political enemy; it eliminates that pesky democratic process; for students, it means not having to sit through a runoff.
Another key word is “buying off,” an idea used by some candidates with candy or beverages. While peddling these wares to passers-by certainly helps win votes, if candidates were to give out money instead of petty goods, elections would be decided by whoever spent the most money. But now that I think about it, that’s pretty much like it was this year.
The final key word for future candidates is “soul.” As I said before, anyone who runs for an SA position is inherently evil and only desires furthering their own ambitions. Surely someone like this would have no trouble selling what little soul they possess to Satan himself. By giving one’s eternal soul to the devil, a candidate can ensure a successful SA race.
But make sure you get a contract from Satan so as to avoid what happened to the loser of last year’s SA presidential race. (Go see the new release of his upcoming movie. It opens in theaters the same day as “Star Wars.”) If he had the foresight to assassinate his opponent, he would be SA president today.
We all know how annoying the SA elections are. They take too long and require too much effort for no real purpose. The candidates are simply wasting their time with unsuccessful tactics. Anyone who wishes to win an SA position needs to take on the campaign strategies I have put forth above. So how about it future student leaders?
-Pat Molester takes photos for this rag. He is as smart as a pebble on the beach. Ignore his ramblings.
This article appeared in the April 1, 1999 issue of the Hatchet.