Freshman I.B. Horney said he always fantasized about going Greek, ensconcing himself in Greek letters and preparing himself for daily beatings.
“My senior year of high school was spent taking bong hits and keg stands. Ya know, for practice,” Horney said.
But, after years of waiting, Horney has arrived at GW. He said he is ready for rush. This reporter followed him from house to house as he chose to make what he called “the biggest decision of my life.”
“If I get into Delta Upsilon Mu, I’ll be drinking Budweiser but screwing nasty chicks,” Horney said. “If I get into Alpha Sigma Sigma, I’ll drink cheap beer and screw hot chicks.”
DUM President Jacobian “Rat Boy” Heifer said Horney will enjoy pledging DUM fraternities, especially GW’s chapter. But ASS President Tommy Withhispantsdown vied for his organization.
“Babe – Horney will love ASS,” Withhispantsdown said.
Choose your own adventure .
If you despise Greeks, catch up with the ASSes
If you love Greeks, you’ll enjoy DUM tales
Visit the ASS hole on G Street
Alpha Sigma Sigma brothers welcomed Horney and fello -rushees at the door of their G Street town house, for “Meet the Brothers Night,” with a can of beer and a smile.
Once inside, strippers greeted the boys with lap dances and other services for which the women charged a small fee.
“This just shows how much we love and respect chicks,” an ASS said. “We’re even willing to pay them for a job well done.”
After the orgy, brothers gave select rushees keys to upstairs bedrooms to which they could lure unsuspecting freshman women. Horney was among the chosen students. He said he was honored and would use the key often but wisely.
Horney said class pervaded the small frat house, and he could see himself sharing women and beer with these ASSes.
“At last the fantasy has become a reality,” he said.
-Erectile Dysfunction Editor Bob Dole contributed to this report.
DUM stories of community service and brotherhood
DUM brothers escorted rushees into their backyard to unveil a plethora of shoes dangling from trees. Each rushee was instructed to remove shoes from trees and distribute them to local homeless shelters. Horney said he was impressed with DUM’s dedication to philanthropy.
“These guys are great. They turn sex into a good deed,” Horney said. “They’re definitely too good for me.”
Horney said he also was impressed because DUM brothers were nice enough to give a bid to a freshman who got drunk and passed out on their lawn the first night of rush.
“Who are we to judge?” Heifer said. “He’s a good kid, so we made him vice president. We just have to teach him to hold his liquor.”
These random acts of kindness assured Horney that he did not belong in the DUM chapter.
This article appeared in the April 1, 1999 issue of the Hatchet.