If you picked up any newspaper or turned on a television a few weeks ago, you viewed some sort of “1998: The Year in Review” essay. Late December was a time for us to look back on the events of the past year that made news (Monica Lewinsky), made history (Monica Lewinsky), or made us want to vomit repeatedly and tear out our hair until we were a society of angry, hairless citizens with a lot of cleaning up to do (Celine Dion).
But while anyone can wax nostalgic about the past, it takes a bold, talented and cutting-edge columnist (who ain’t the worst lookin’ guy in the world if ya catch my drift .) to look into the future and offer his predictions for the coming year. I give you: “1999: A Look Back.”
Jan. 25 – The line to get into the GW Bookstore finally subsides when it is announced that every single book in the place has been sold. Angry mobs of students are pacified with the promise of either cash or a GW key chain when returning their books at the end of the semester.
Feb. 5 – After several months of inactivity, the NBA season finally gets underway with a shortened 50-game schedule. In a development that shocks even the wealthiest players and owners, nobody cares.
Feb. 21 – Citing a desire to “further anger students and save a few bucks,” GW announces it will hold Commencement in the courtyard next to Au Bon Pain. Students demand the ceremony be held on the Ellipse and the University offers a generous compromise: Commencement ’99 will be held on the fifth floor of the Marvin Center, with one free video game token given to all graduating seniors.
March 8 – In testimony before the Senate impeachment trial of President Clinton, independent counsel Kenneth Starr reveals the true driving force behind his merciless investigation of the president: “Look, I went to GW and he went to Georgetown. It’s as simple as that.” Starr further elaborated his philosophy by adding, “Screw those Hoya bastards.”
April 19 – Leaving many people shocked and confused, the author of this column gets a date. In a related story, the temperature in hell dips below the 32-degree mark.
May 16 – Recently convicted in his impeachment trial, former President Clinton delivers a stirring address to those assembled for Commencement ’99. Clutching a bottle of whiskey and sporting a week’s worth of stubble, the ex-commander in chief offers his definition of the word “is.” After challenging the graduating class to “go out into the world and make a pass at a subordinate employ . uhhh, I mean make a difference,” Clinton “shares a cigar” with GW President S. J. Trachtenberg. Eww!
May 21 – After 22 years, the wait is over for Star Wars fans as the first of three prequels is released. Rush Limbaugh re-enters the public spotlight with an Oscar-worthy portrayal of a young Jabba the Hutt.
June 3 – Bionic monster/baseball star Mark McGwire clubs his 500th home run . of the year. Although enjoying great success on the playing field, McGwire has lost much of his public appeal because his arms are now easily 10 feet in diameter. Children once full of wide-eyed awe when meeting the slugger now shriek in horror.
Aug. 28 – GW’s incoming freshman class is its largest ever, consisting of the entire population of Secaucus, N. J. This announcement is coupled with news that GW officials plan to sue Rutgers University for the right to be the state university of New Jersey.
Oct. 31 – In a stunning Halloween press conference, Satan announces he has decided to make “Furbies” the Christmas toy craze once again.
Dec. 1 – With one month left until 2000, the international computing community declares the Y2K problem “unsolvable.” President Al Gore, realizing this may be his last chance to live it up, has a beer.
Dec. 25 – Jesus returns to herald the coming apocalypse and offer a plan for salvation. Appearing on The Jerry Springer Show to try to save humanity, the only Son of God is confronted by Mary Magdalene’s new boyfriend Chuck.
Dec. 31 – The world ends. When asked its reasons for ending, the world replies: “When I heard The Backstreet Boys’ album back in ’98, I knew it was time to put the brakes on this thing.”