Seeing that this is the last Hatchet of the semester and I won’t be sharing my little column with you until 1999, let me give you my list of annual Christmas “Things to Do”:

1.) Watch the following holiday television specials: “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” It’s a Wonderful Life, “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” (starring Burl Ives in his greatest role), “Frosty the Snowman” and the “Garfield” Christmas show.
2.) Drink “nog” and other Christmas-related beverages.
3.) I always watch A Christmas Carol (the old 1930s version), which, where I live, is on at 10 p.m. on Christmas Eve.
4.) Write a semi-rhyming, super-lame poem parodying “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” that pokes fun at our University president.

Well, cross No. 4 off the list folks …

Chri$tma$ at GW: Time for $ome Change

‘Twas three weeks before Christmas and all through the campus, Not a word could be found . that rhymes with campus.

The stockings were hung on Trustee’s Gate with care,

In hopes that the administration would stop spending money on the beautification of our urban campus and put some more money into enriching the actual substance of what makes a university great, i.e. paying for good professors and enriching other important programs and services.

Trachtenberg in his kerchief, and Ma in her cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the Quad there arose such a clatter,
Ol’ Stevie sprung up to see what was the matter.

He tripped and he fell as he reached for the door,
On a stack of cold cash he had left on the floor.

He had spent all his day counting cash piece by piece,
But his desire for more led to a tuition increase.

As he rolled in the money, he cackled with glee,
“Thanks for breaking my fall, University Fee!”

When Steve finally stood up, he approached the door,
Having barely an idea of what was in store.

And what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But an enraged student body, who had had it up to here.

“We’re withholding our fat checks until we are heard,
Using our cash for your drugs is completely absurd.”

Ok, so I lied, but I thought it’d be funny,
Picturing SJT all doped up from our money.

“But back to the serious issues, Mr. President,
Could you please inform us where all the money went?”

“I’d be glad to tell you, just keep those greenbacks flowing.”
“No!” we replied, “we demand a response – where are our funds going?

“We will wait for an answer, and we’ll continue to persist,
Because without our compliance, this place won’t exist.”

Stevie shook in his boots, for he knew he must be snappy,
If he wanted this holiday season to be happy.

Yes, he knew he was beat; at last the students had joined,
To ensure that their hard-earned money wasn’t purloined.

“Full disclosure will be my promise, to Mom, Dad and you,
Before I build myself a gate, I’ll see if you want one, too.”

The students all cheered; as one they had done it,
Their demands had been met, by the school and those who run it.

Just a little something to think about when you’re sending in next semester’s tuition checks; and something to remember this spring when the administration will undoubtedly consider raising tuition.

But until then: “Merry Christmas,” “Happy Hanukkah,” “Happy Kwanzaa,” and a hearty “Good luck getting any presents from Mom and Dad” to all of those participating in any pagan religions or cults.