Longing for the good ol’ TV days

So Thanksgiving is almost here. That means professors feel like they have free reign to assign work like crazy. I honestly have at least one paper for every class. So naturally, I studied all weekend, right?

Wait, no. I’m saving my six hours worth of studying for the hour and a half plane ride back to D.C. Sunday night. Instead, I’ve been spending way too much time watching TV.

My friend Greg and I recently have become big fans of Fox’s “Caught on the Job.” That’s right, “Caught on the Job” – the show we’ve anxiously been waiting to see for several weeks. It’s pretty much chock-full of clips of people doing really devious and disgusting things while working, ranging from peeing in coworkers’ coffee to 911 operators cussing out people with emergencies. Pure comedic entertainment in its rawest form.

We had to sit through an entire hour of “World’s Worst Drivers II,” which is full of people making bad decisions while driving and somehow ending up in other people’s living rooms. Greg saw the commercial for “Caught on the Job” several weeks ago while watching “When Good Pets Go Bad” (I’m not even going to explain that one).

Anyway, I bet you’re wondering where I’m going with this.

My question is: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO TV?

Seinfeld has been off the air for a couple of months and now all I have to watch is people doing stupid things on camera. All these shows are derivations of “America’s Funniest Home Videos” and it’s spinoff, “America’s Funniest People.”

Thank the Lord John Stamos wasn’t available to host any of these programs. That’s the last thing we need – someone going from telling D.J. that you can be cool without drinking, to making “cute” observations about people getting themselves in binding situations.

What happened to the good programming from our childhood, you know, like “Diff’rent Strokes?” Actually, I’ve got the answer to that one. All the actors capable of pulling off a hit like that have been removed from society by the authorities. I never did understand who they expected to fool by throwing that new Maggie in halfway through the season. At least when Mrs. Garrett’s contract ran out they decided to get a whole new maid instead of getting a fake Mrs. G.

I can’t find anything good on TV anymore except “The Simpsons” and “The X-Files.” It’s a sad day for TV programming when all the decent shows are on Fox.

I go to bed every night praying that John Ritter, Janet and some random blonde will somehow get together for another shot at it. Imagine it: Mr. Furley running around trying to get the rent and then fleeing from the apartment because he thinks Jack wants a piece. OK, I’d better stop or I might have to cry myself to sleep tonight knowing that it’s all a cruel dream.

Also on Fox (Fox News this time), I saw the trailer for the new Star Wars movie. I’m excited about the movie’s release. But I have to say that watching the trailer made me a little nervous. I worried that I’m not going to like these movies because they couldn’t possibly live up to our expectations. Something about all those fancy special effects and computerized colors that just seemed wrong for Star Wars.

So I guess what I’m getting at with this whole column is that things were just better when we were kids. The ’90s simply are sucking the life out of television and the movie classics that we all know so well.

Or maybe I’m just growing up and seeing things how they really are. Either way, I don’t like it.

When you’re home next Thursday, after you’ve eaten your Thanksgiving dinner, be sure to sit down with your family to a thrilling and entertaining night of Fox’s “Americas Funniest Car Accidents.” Or even better, pull out your copy of Return of the Jedi and thank goodness for simplicity.

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