(U-WIRE) BOSTON, Mass. – Hello, goosebumps. Oh man, can you feel it? Can you feel the excitement in the air? I’m just as giddy as a midget dreaming of a vacation in Oz. Those of you who also went to the movie theaters this past weekend feel the same bliss that’s tickling my every nerve.
Screw the movies themselves. It’s the preview before it that got me all excited. It starts with Earth’s only angel, with her hair cut sharp and short, wearing a burgundy leather jacket covering the fluffy wings underneath.
I can only be speaking of Miss Claire Danes, who’s featured in the new MGM teaser for next year’s Mod Squad. Finally, she’s tossed aside monotonous bard barking and feel-good indies for a little Hollywood ass-kicking, car chases, blazing Uzis and memorable one-liners. Hell, I’m in line already.
Well, the buzz of my queen’s new extravaganza has me frothing for other flicks based on TV shows. Thus, I’ve come up with a few pitches I’m planning to put forth on the desks of tinsel town’s movie moguls. Help me filter out the ones you don’t want to see on the silver screen:
Kate and Alley: With a Vengeance – When Alley eats a taco filled with Gypsy-cursed meat, she dies and is resurrected as a walking zombie/alter-ego complete with an evil goatee. Kate must train her children and dog the tactics of blitzkrieg warfare to take down the evil Alley. Tears are shed at the climax when Kate contemplates whether she should stab Alley in the heart with a spatula after the face of her old friend appears and recounts the happy memory of when they hid the litter box on the cat. Oscar winners Susan Sarandon and Diane Wiest will play the famous duo.
Different Strokes – After wishing upon the brightest star, Arnold wakes up the next day having grown to an impressive 6-4. But here’s the twist: Not only is he taller, but he’s also 50 years old and Jewish. Elliot Gould stars.
My Two Dads: In Space – Paul Reiser returns to the role of the stuffy, conservative pop, joining Michael Biehn as the artist-dad and Jennifer Love Hewitt as the little girl they both adore. When a science project including a trash can, some rotten cabbage and a toenail clipper goes horribly wrong, our heroes are blown into space. Some highjinks ensue when Jupiter’s red spot is discovered to be simply a large pool full of raspberry Jell-O.
ALF and the Trouble With Monkeys – Who do you call when more than 4,000 rabid monkeys swim to the States from South America? That old furball from Melmack, that’s who. ALF is recruited by the government, armed with only a sling shot and silly-string, to single-handedly take down the posse of evil primates. Watch for Steve, the evil monkey leader, to take the Tanner family hostage in the third act. Oprah Winfrey stars as ALF.
The Facts of Life: The Search for Natalie – When Natalie, played by Dom DeLuise, is lost in the jungles of Wisconsin during her seven-year search for the perfect cheesecake, Miss Garrett and the crew close up the restaurant to find their old, hungry pal; that is, if she’s alive still. Look for Nancy McKeon (the original Jo) making a cameo as “The Cheesecake.”
Punky Brewster: The Bitch is Back – After spending five years in the pen for aggravated assault, Punky (played stunningly by Valerie Bertinelli) is back on the streets of Sioux City, Iowa, with a leather jacket, a switchblade and a bad attitude. Her world is thrown upside down when she meets and falls in love with a diabetic circus clown named Choo-Choo and played by Charlie Sheen. Let’s hope Mr. Warnamont approves.
All in the Family Ties – Two of television’s most popular sitcoms collide in the most hilarious crossover since “The Flintstones Meet The Jetsons.” When Alex P. Keaton and Archie Bunker battle for the Republican presidential nomination in 2000, Meathead and Malorie manage to meet and fall hopelessly in love. In all the chaos, Skippy and Edith find a common interest in stamp collecting. Watch for Scott Valentine, reprising his role as Nick, glowing in an Oscar-worthy speech when he curses at the feuding families: “A plague on both your living rooms.”
The Wonder Years: Easter Sunday – Paul Pfeiffer and Kevin Arnold are back, with call signs “Muskrat” and “Scabies,” in this long-awaited sequel to Independence Day. When aliens decide to attack Earth again, this time on our country’s day of painted-egg celebration, we put our hopes in the hands of the Navy’s two best submarine captains, Paul and Kevin. You want action? Well here it is. Big laughs are shared at the end when the entire invasion is uncovered to be just one of Wayne’s silly pranks. Fred Savage stars and directs. In a surprise casting move, the corpse of Hume Cronyn will play the president.
Well, there they are. Get the popcorn poppin’ and the Milk Duds warm, cause the future at your local cineplex looks mighty sweet. See you there.-Jeremy Catalino is a student at Boston University.
