So here we are, a mere 15 months away from the end of the world. Kinda puts this whole “working your ass off to get A’s and succeed in life after college” thing into perspective, eh? I mean, who cares? We’re all gonna die! Live for today! Put down that stupid book, dude. Use double negatives in all your sentences. It don’t matter none! See a movie, pick a flower, finally learn needlepoint – just don’t put it off. Fifteen months and then . kaput!
Now I know some of you out there don’t subscribe to this whole “Armageddon” thing. To you I say: “phhht!” This is it, buddy. You better party down now while you still have time. While so many of you are putting your “noses to the grindstone” in hopes of becoming future world leaders, I plan to emulate the recent behavior of current world leaders. With the skirt-chasin’, vodka-lovin’ examples of Clinton and Yeltsin to guide me along my bacchanalian path, I plan on making 1999 a year to remember.
Yeah, I hear the whispers. All of you “negative Nellies” out there who doubt the end is near. Hrumph. You think you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you? Think again, Pedro. This plane is going down. Don’t bother returning the tray tables to their upright positions. It’s too late for that. You wanna know how I’m so sure about all this? All right, I’ll tell you.
It’s the Millennium Bug. The Y2K computer disaster. Doomsday.
OK, I’ll admit I don’t know much about these “computers.” To be honest, I don’t know anything about them. I actually write this column on the back of a snow shovel with a piece of coal. So I’m not exactly sure what all the fuss surrounding the turn of the century and all of these precious machines is about.
But from the panic-stricken literature of the past few months, I can conclude the following things: a) computers are solely responsible for running everything in the entire world (i.e., automobiles, doorknobs, cats) and b) they are all going to go berserk at midnight Jan. 1, 2000.
From what I gather it will be a catastrophe like none other. Suddenly, automatic teller machines will begin shooting $20 bills into the streets. Lawnmowers will run wild, terrorizing the populace. Television satellites, no longer able to understand their encoded instructions, will inexplicably begin broadcasting the same episode of “CHiPs” over and over again (it’ll be the one where the chicken truck overturns on the highway and hilarity ensues).
I’ve also been informed the original programmers of these machines have been called out of retirement to fix this problem (or, “save the world”). Well I certainly feel better, don’t you?
Oh yes, our very lives are in the hands of an army of geezers and fogies who we hope can remember this stuff, let alone stay awake long enough to fix things. Let’s pray these fossils can type faster than they drive.
The simple fact of the matter is we are screwed.
No way can these cranky old-timers get this whole mess cleaned up by Dec. 31, 1999.
I think it is in our best interests to just resign ourselves to the fact that the world as we know it will come to a grinding halt at the turn of the century. When the phones quit and it becomes impossible to order Chinese food, can full scale anarchy be far behind?
I guess there could be a good side to this whole mess. For one thing, the evil, soul-less androids that make up the pop group Hanson will burst into flames at the stroke of midnight.
But even that will not be enough to outweigh the chaos that will come out of all this. With thousands of machines going haywire, it won’t be long until the “Flowbee” home haircutting device rises up against its oppressors and leaves us all looking like Joey Ramone.
Well, I have done what little I can to warn the community about our impending doom. My sincere hope is we all begin to live while we still can. Beware – the end is near. Count the days, my friend .
And where will you be when it all goes down? Where will you be celebrating the end of the world? Times Square? Stonehenge?
Well, wherever it is, do yourself a favor – stay away from Radio Shack, OK.
