After a four-month trek in the wilds of Columbia, an explorer’s feet develop blisters approximately the size of Nevada. I’ve never even seen Columbia, but I’m told those blisters are horridly painful.
I have been on a four-day jaunt in the District of Columbia, an “experience” known conveniently as Colonial Inauguration (or “CI” in the vernacular), and I am worn out.
In fact, the jungles never looked so appealing.
CI (a.k.a. Cranial Inebriation) should ring a bell with most readers, unless you fall into the category of “college student,” in which case I will refer to it as “that hazy period the summer before that longer hazy period.”
Either way, I have some observations to share with you about the CI “experience.”
Fellow freshmen might relate to these points. Upperclassmen familiar with GW, please feel free to offer critically constructive remarks such as, “Boy, what a buffoon.”
The goal of CI is simple: to expose young, innocent, care-free high school graduates to the “real world” of GW via hard booze, live XXX pornography and devil worshipping cult sacrifices.
These methods, while unconventional, leave future freshmen with a sense of belonging and a desire to return, mainly because their underwear remains lost in D.C. All in all, CI exposes GW for what it is outside those glossy catalogues.
Based solely on my CI “experience,” here are some items – surprisingly not included in GW’s sales pitch – that you can expect from your future in Washington, D.C.
1) You WILL sit through speeches originally written to torture information from Viet Cong prisoners. As a vast and blatant display of discipline and rigorous training, all the faculty speakers at CI took great pains to eliminate any emotion and/or exciting topics from their speeches. It was, unfortunately, not breathtaking.
2) You WILL fail to see any connection between a University and a laser light show. I hope this needs no further explanation.
3) You WILL do your best to convince everyone (especially the ladies) that, despite your physique (small, but wiry), you were a major football star in high school and could have skipped college and gone directly to the NFL, but sacrificed millions of dollars for the sake of your mind and applied to a college that did not even have a football team so you could truly make a difference in the world AND you were the youngest pilot to fly the space shuttle AND you turned down parts in both My So-Called Life and Titanic.
Or maybe that was just me.
4) You WILL be tempted more than once to hurl a brown telephone into a wall at speeds approaching the sound barrier. These violent tendencies also are known as “registration” in some highly scientific circles.
5) You WILL spend hours calculating how much money GW would have to pay you to join a chorus line singing “Lean on Me” for several hundred of your soon-to-be classmates and potential dates. My approximation was $7.50, but then again I love those golden oldies!
6) And finally, you WILL have a great time.
Okay, I admit it, the cynic enjoyed himself at CI. However, nothing is above satire, especially myself. My CI experience will live in my memory for some time. It would, at least, if it wasn’t all so hazy.
-The writer is a freshman.