I have discovered my true calling in life: I will sell peanuts for a living at Camden Yards. Okay, so it’s not completely economically feasible, but my grasp on reality is weakening as graduation looms larger in my future. Since I am in the denial phase, I will now cease talking about the G-word all seniors fear.
Back to Camden Yards. If you don’t like baseball, you might as well skip the next few paragraphs. (I also think you are a communist if you don’t like baseball.) Quite simply, Camden is one of the coolest places ever. Let’s forget that the hot dogs are $4, the sodas are $3.50 and that the Orioles’ total salaries equal the national debt. Just concentrate on the fact that baseball is a great game.
I want to sell peanuts because I will, in some way, be connected to the game of baseball. I also enjoy shouting. I figure I can start with something kind of lame, like those three-foot-long red licorice strings, and then work up to cotton candy or malts, and then peanuts.
It’s great how the urgency of time ceases to exist once you enter a ballpark and settle into your seat. Life also becomes simpler. Hand me a bag of sunflower seeds and a soda and I could just sit there for a couple of hours enjoying myself. The ballpark is one of the few places it is acceptable to spit things on the ground. The only other place I can think of right now that allows spitting is a rodeo, and let’s face it, baseball games smell a heck of a lot better than rodeos (although cowboys have those nifty belt buckles that are the size and shape of Texas).
A few Fridays ago, it was College Night at Camden, so all the area schools were in effect. In fact, several school mascots were there, such as the Maryland Terrapin. Alas, there was no George. Humph. I did have an encounter with the Orioles mascot, which involved me turning around and running the other way when he tried to give me a high-five.
Only two things scare me in this world, and one of them is team mascots.
One more thing about Camden: When you go there, it is absolutely necessary to eat at least one of Uncle Teddy’s fresh, handmade pretzels. They are like nothing else on Earth.
Fashion tip for the week: sun dresses + backpacks = bad scene. Women, I know it’s natural to break out the sun dresses as the weather warms up. However, that cute little sundress number you’ve got on could prove hugely embarrassing once you put that backpack on to go to class. Why? The bunching factor. I’m not telling you this because it’s happened to me, but it’s just a phenomenon I’ve observed with each arrival of spring.
As you walk, the cloth of your dress gets sort of pulled up under your backpack. It’s no big deal if you have a long dress on, but watch yourself if you’re wearing a shorter one. Make sure you’re wearing clean underwear.
This article appeared in the April 13, 1998 issue of the Hatchet.