Did you see the ad last week? The GW Hatchet is taking applications for a replacement page two columnist. I am, after all, hopefully graduating and being upsized from this job.
So in order to help the new editorial board make its decision about my replacement, I conducted some interviews this week with various campus personalities.
1.) Lynn Shipway, special assistant to the vice president for administrative and information services: “Why am I qualified? I have dark cynicism, relentless skepticism, perpetual paranoia, fearless frivolity and intestinal fortitude. Plus I’m a girl. It would be a nice compliment to Carrie Potter.”
2.) Skip Oliva, member of the Joint Elections Committee, publisher, Independence Magazine : “What would I accomplish as the page two columnist next year? The same thing I do every year, Tryg. Try to take over the world!”
3.) Derek Pillie, vice president for community service for the Residence Hall Association: “Of course I’m qualified. I got Adam Green to go on a boat ride. Isn’t that enough? Besides, you wouldn’t really let Skip Oliva near your paper. Wait, I can’t do this. I’ve had enough. I quit!”
4.) Sarah Venzian, executive assistant to President Trachtenberg: “He’s not here right now. Yes, I’ll tell him you stopped by.”
5.) Mike Jarvis, men’s basketball head coach, George Washington University/Virginia/Arizona State/Providence/Boston Celtics/Ohio State/Texas/Utah/Denver Nuggets: “Listen here, punk: If you don’t get out of my office right now, I’m going to severely cut your playing time and play a Russian ahead of you, no matter how talented you are. Drop and give me 10, Olsen. Right now.”
6.) Kuyomars “Q” Golparvar, soon to be ex-Student Association president: “I think I’d be writing an open letter to someone every week. Plus, I’ve put up with everybody’s (expletive deleted) this year, so I’ve kept a sense of humor throughout the year. But I won’t be here, either. I think I might graduate too.”
Well, hopefully we can now find someone who is both funny and qualified to replace me, the legend that I am. Think I’m egotistical? Nope. I even have my own student group following. This past week, I received this letter from Dugan Bliss, leader of the former “Godless Society.” He writes:
“Dear Trygve, upon reading your article as to why GW is going to hell, the members of the Godless Society have become so overtaken with laughter and joy that we have made some realizations about life.
“Our life is not a random and pointless side effect of universal evolution, but rather, we were put on this planet in order to worship the perfect God.
“Before your article, we believed that such divine perfection did not exist. But clearly it does, Trygve, and your supreme wit has shown us that you are, indeed, the incarnation of divine perfection.
“The Godless Society is now changing its name to the `Worshippers of the Divinity Which Is All Things Trygve.’ We urge all students at GW to accept you as their Lord and Savior, Trygve, and we are excitedly anticipating the release of your gospel, as well as your upcoming crucifixion.
“Humbly submitted to his Holiness, Dugan Bliss, president, Worshippers of the Divinity Which Is All Things Trygve (formerly known as the Godless Society.)”
So as you walk around our fair campus, thinking that this place is going to hell, and you’re wondering who will be around to save you, think of me and my followers. Just ask Dugan. Next week’s column: the first four chapters of my gospel.
