ARIES (March 22-April 21)You actually think you are going to register for classes on time. Your advisor is out of town for the week, so you are out of luck. Your chances of graduating on time are shot.
TAURUS (April 22- May 21)You finished your paper in one night, and you can tell. Maybe you should have used the thesaurus function on your computer so you didn’t sound like an eight-year-old.
GEMINI (May 22-June 21)All the classes you need to graduate are all ready full. Face it, you are going to be here for an extra semester. Might as well go out and celebrate.
CANCER (June 22-July 21)There’s really nothing new in your life this week. It’s all the same stuff. No one likes you; you’re really annoying. Your parents asked you to stop calling.
LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)Okay, so someone screwed you over, but that’s not a reason to be a rude. Think, if all the girls/guys you screwed over were mean to you, no one of the opposite sex would be nice to you.
VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)Your parents called and said that they signed you up for a class this summer about alcohol. It’s not a wine tasting course. It’s AA meetings.
LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)You didn’t read the labels on those WOW! Doritos and now you’re suffering.
SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)Your dad crashed your car this week. Start getting used to walking as your main mode of transportation.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)So you’re taking your new girl/boyfriend home this weekend to meet the family. They’re not going to like him/her. Think about it. Anyone willing to date you has to be a weirdo.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)You should check to see where you are living next year because if you think it’s on campus, you’re wrong. You have had too many candle violations to ever live in a dorm again.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)Did you really think that you could mess with someone’s head like that and get away with it. Don’t bitch at them. They didn’t do anything. You were the asshole and the least you can do is admit it.
PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)You were going to go home this summer to be with your boy/girlfriend, but s/he broke up with you. Now you will be stuck at home all day hanging out with your little brother/sister. Don’t try hitting on their friends. Even they’re not that desperate.
This article appeared in the April 9, 1998 issue of the Hatchet.