Well, it’s official. This University is being FedExed to hell. You don’t believe me? I present my case:

Exhibit 1: A group is attempting to put together funds to have Marion Barry teach at the consortium of D.C. colleges – including this one. I repeat: Marion Barry might be your teacher.

Just picture it. You go to Funger Hall, expecting to have another glorious semester of health class (oops, sorry Professor Filipescu). You’re waiting, the professor is late. You check your watch. Where is this guy?

Then he arrives: He’s flanked by two large bodyguards wearing white-on-white suits. The professor is stumbling. He’s mad. And he spends 50 minutes explaining how to get the most out of your street rock.

I suppose, in all fairness, that it should be noted that the mayor of our fair city has both a bachelor’s degree and master’s degree in chemistry. Kind of explains how the city has blown up in our faces, doesn’t it?

Given his tremendous experience over the last couple of years ruining the District of Columbia, we should probably welcome him with open arms to our political science department. Imagine – PSC 199.5: How To Take Down Everybody Around You Because of Your Crack Habit.

I realize that I’m sounding redundant here: The man is a convict. He was a drug addict. This University has spent the last two years laying off talented, educated, drug-free professors, and now it is supposedly planning to hire Marion Barry: Crack Addict.

Yeah. Let’s hire him.

Exhibit 2: Boy, is it hot in here, or is just the University? Why did it take so long to turn off the heat? Damn! I live in JBKO, and I believe it’s entirely possible that the University is building a shrine to Satan on the sixth floor. There’s all sorts of metal and loose wiring all over the place.

My neighbor Luke has been sitting in the hall for a week with a candle. He thinks that Pink Floyd is coming. Either that, or Nine Inch Nails is filming their new video on my floor.

At any rate, I’m sure that Satan is sure to follow.

Exhibit 3: This heinous act has been brought to my attention by my faithful sidekick, Adam Green. Now everyone needs to read this very carefully, to understand the truly terrible act that is being perpetuated against the students.

It seems that the Residence Hall Association is renting a boat on the Potomac River and having a nice dinner on it with all of its members, as a nice end to the year and to welcome the new RHA members.

Can you believe it? Adam can’t. He’s shocked. He’s shocked and dismayed that RHA would force him to have a nice dinner and a nice ride on the Potomac. How dare they!

Adam is searching for a bourgeois pig to take his place. Call RHA and express your shock that Adam might be forced to have a good time. How dare they!

Exhibit 4: I tried to talk to the Godless Society at GW for this column a while ago, but the guy who e-mailed me said that I wasn’t funny. So just keep in mind that there’s a Godless Society here and they don’t think I’m funny. (What other evidence of Satan do you need? God loves a comedian!)

So there it is, folks. The GWU is going to hell. Why do you think we need a new logo, huh? Because we’ve got to spruce up the place for the new owner. God help us all.

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